Am I a lonely, detached, blunted human?
Emotional neglect during childhood is a profound and often overlooked form of childhood trauma that can have lasting effects on an individual's emotional well-being. While it may not be immediately apparent, emotional neglect can lead to emotional detachment in adulthood. This detachment can manifest in various ways, impacting relationships, self-esteem, and overall mental health.
As children, we require a lot of emotional connection from our parents or caregivers. When we feel unheard or emotionally malnourished, we can grow up feeling like we do not have a strong identity that we are unimportant.
Emotional deprivation is what an emotionally neglected child feels. As a child, the parent or parents were unable to tune in to the child’s emotional needs. The lack of attunement resulted in an inability to respond adequately to that child’s emotional needs.
Emotional neglect, when it is subtle, can be extremely difficult to recognize. For a child who has repeatedly been unheard, or where there was no attempt to be understood from caregivers, they grow up feeling unseen, like their feelings are unimportant, but more importantly like they are unimportant.
It might not be obvious or apparent, especially to the outside world. People looking in at your family might see a family unit kicking goals while the unit members are inwardly struggling.
One common coping mechanism in times of stress or neglect is emotional detachment. When a child's emotional needs are repeatedly unmet, they learn to suppress their emotions to protect themselves from further pain. This detachment becomes a defence mechanism that carries into adulthood.
Adults who experience emotional neglect as children often struggle to express their emotions openly and honestly. They may have grown up believing that their feelings are unimportant or that showing vulnerability is a sign of weakness. Consequently, they may become emotionally reserved, making it challenging for them to connect with others on a deep emotional level.
I recall moments as a child when my mother cautioned me to put on a brave face as we headed out to a social gathering. Whatever was happening at home, we were to present a concerted front to outsiders. Showing vulnerability was not encouraged.
Emotional neglect in your childhood can leave deep scars that persist into adulthood.
In recent years, and through therapy sessions, I’ve realised how deeply detached I have been from my emotions. I’m the byproduct of parents raised in another era, northern England working class, growing up through the trauma of the Second World War. My father was ten years old in 1939 when the war started; my mother was nine.
The Germans targeted Their hometown of Liverpool as a key industrial and port city. It must have been a terrifying experience, hiding in shelters during air raids. Then, as England emerged from the war with this economy destroyed, life was tough. We can’t imagine, but meat was still subject to rationing in England until 1954, nine years after the end of the war. Is it any wonder my parents escaped to work in West Africa after they married in the early 50s?
Like all generations, children are highly adaptable and resilient, and in response to emotional neglect, they may develop coping mechanisms to survive the emotional void. I can’t imagine growing up during the war, nor how my psychology might be affected. But I understand my parents’ experiences at a young age might then translate to their parenting of their children.
I now understand that my emotional detachment has deeply affected my capacity to form and maintain healthy relationships. In my romantic partnerships, my emotional detachment has led to me struggling to communicate my feelings and needs, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts.
Emotional detachment can be a positive tool to protect yourself from trauma. But it’s harmful when you can’t control it - and if you don’t know you have it how can you control it?
You may feel “numbed” or “muted.” This is known as emotional blunting, and it’s typically a symptom or issue that you should consider working with a mental health professional to address.
People who are emotionally detached or removed may experience symptoms such as:
difficulty creating or maintaining personal relationships
a lack of attention, or appearing preoccupied when around others
difficulty being loving or affectionate with a family member
avoiding people, activities, or places because they’re associated with past trauma
reduced ability to express emotion
difficulty empathizing with another person’s feelings
not easily sharing emotions or feelings
difficulty committing to another person or a relationship
not making another person a priority when they should be
I tick pretty much every one of of those symptoms.
My deficit of friends is likely because of my emotional detachment, impeding my connection with others on an intimate level.
Growing up with parents who were not emotionally responsive has impacted my ability to trust others. As an adult, I struggle with an underlying fear of intimacy and occasionally become emotionally distant. Sometimes, this lack of trust has made me wary of people's intentions and actions.
Having emotionally distant parents fostered a strong sense of self-reliance and independence within me. I even had a credit in the program for one of the theatre shows I worked on that noted the sound design was ‘a triumph for the ‘one-man band’. That pretty much sums up my life for so many years.
Over time, this self-reliance has made it challenging to seek help or rely on others when needed. I’ve always ‘just done it myself’ in my work, often racking up crazy hours working on a project. Equally, I have also tended to be dismissive of offers of assistance, believing I can handle the work without involving others.
A deficit of exposure to a wide range of emotions during childhood has made it more difficult for me to recognise and express emotions in myself and others. I have improved greatly over the last few years due to therapy and self-development. An executive EQ/IQ review a couple of years ago found that I was not terrible at recognising emotion in others. If you have not had a strong, emotionally cohesive upbringing, this will have an impact.
When you haven’t been exposed to a wide range of emotions as a child, it may make it harder to recognize emotions in others and yourself. Expression of these emotions may also be compromised. This is often referred to as emotional dysregulation.
Children may develop reactive attachment disorder (RAD) due to negative experiences with adults in their early years.
Symptoms of RAD include:
having difficulty calming down
showing little or no emotions when they are interacting with other people
not looking for comfort from their primary caregivers
appearing unhappy, scared, sad, or irritable when taking part in normal activities with the primary caregiver
At times I’ve struggled with self-esteem. Outwardly, I’ve countered this by sometimes projecting an arrogance or ego. As a teenager, I vividly recall someone retorting, ‘You think you’re hot shit’ in a group setting. I internalised my negative beliefs about myself.
As an adult, I’ve constantly struggled with feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, further reinforcing my emotional detachment to protect myself from perceived rejection. I’ve long dealt with imposter syndrome and been very sensitive to criticism professionally, even when the advice was offered sensitively and compassionately. I have a history of regularly replaying in my head even minor incidents from decades ago where I felt I was being attacked.
I know I have self-soothed to avoid dealing with emotion to maintain my detachment. Some people gamble or indulge in dangerous adrenalin-fueled pursuits. Others overeat, obsessively watch television or exercise. I know my self-soothing in many eras of my life has been work. Spending hours and days writing computer code, utterly obsessed to the exclusion of everything else around me. Even booking a hotel room for a week to focus solely on a particular online platform I’m creating:
Our detached soothing provides immediate gratification but long-term exhaustion. Detachment leads to our anguish and our loneliness in our time of suffering. The longer we are in that hole, the less likely we will have the motivation or the will to get out and support our connections, with self and others.
Breaking the cycle of loneliness and emotional detachment is a journey that requires self-awareness, effort, and, often, professional guidance. Here are some suggestions to break the cycle:
Start by reflecting on your experiences and emotions. Understand the patterns that have led to your feelings of loneliness and emotional detachment. Ask yourself if they are rooted in past experiences, such as childhood emotional neglect.
Consider seeking therapy or counselling with a qualified mental health professional. They can help you explore your emotional history, address unresolved issues, and develop healthier coping mechanisms. Therapists who specialise in attachment issues and trauma can be beneficial.
Work on becoming more aware of your emotions. Practice identifying and labelling your feelings as they arise. This can help you understand and communicate your emotional responses more effectively with others.
Develop better communication skills to express your emotions and actively listen to others. Effective communication is key to building and maintaining healthy relationships.
Recognize that not everyone will hurt you or let you down as you may have experienced in the past. Building trust in new relationships can be challenging, but it's essential for overcoming emotional detachment. Take small steps to open up to others and give them a chance to earn your trust.
Make an effort to connect with others, even if it initially feels uncomfortable. Join social groups, participate in activities you enjoy, and seek opportunities to meet new people. Genuine connections can help combat feelings of loneliness.
Be kind and compassionate toward yourself. Understand that your struggles with loneliness and emotional detachment are not your fault. Practice self-care and self-love as you work on healing.
Understand that no one is perfect, and relationships will have ups and downs. Set realistic expectations for yourself and others, recognising nobody can fulfil all your emotional needs.
Challenge and reframe negative beliefs about yourself and relationships. Replace them with more positive and realistic perspectives.
Healing from emotional detachment and loneliness takes time. Be patient with yourself and the process. Progress may be slow, but every step forward is a victory.
I find this list extremely useful. I’ve spent time reflecting on my emotions and sense of detachment and seen a therapist for support. I worked with her to learn how to label emotions, to place a distance between myself and an emotion, and to examine and understand it.
I’ve formed new friendships with people and opened up to them about how I feel. I have communicated back to people honestly and transparently about my reactions to their treatment of me to help them understand that perhaps something they said made me uncomfortable. This communication would have been unthinkable until a couple of years ago.
I’ve been learning to love myself. To understand how to make myself feel content and connected to the people in my world.
Breaking the cycle of loneliness and emotional detachment is achievable with determination, self-reflection, and a willingness to open yourself up to healing and connection.
My emotional detachment has been a coping mechanism in response to an upbringing and lie journey that interfered with forming healthy relationships. My healing is a journey toward self-discovery and emotional growth, leading to a happier and more fulfilling life.
"Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty." — Mother Teresa
Next time: Loneliness at the end of long-term relationships
fantastic story thanks so very much for sharing