Be Curious Not Judgmental

We often avoid new experiences not because they are impossible, but because they might be uncomfortable. Real life begins when we prioritise curiosity over certainty.

Like millions around the world, I’m a big Ted Lasso fan - and can’t wait for the new season to appear. My absolute favourite scene, which I will bang on about endlessly to bemused friends at the drop of a hat, is Ted beating the not-nice ex-husband of the team owner (the aptly named Rupert) at darts, in front of his wife (the amazing Hannah Waddington).

Ted totally hustles Rupert, acting the American hick when challenged to a darts match. As the game hangs in the balance, Ted then absolutely nails the last three darts, whilst explaining to Rupert how being judgmental precludes you from curiosity:

Ted: You know, Rupert, guys have underestimated me my entire life. And for years, I never understood why. It used to really bother me. But then one day, I was driving my little boy to school and I saw this quote by Walt Whitman and it was painted on the wall there. It said, “Be curious, not judgmental.” I like that.

Ted: So I get back in my car and I’m driving to work, and all of a sudden it hits me. All them fellas that used to belittle me, not a single one of them were curious. They thought they had everything all figured out. So they judged everything, and they judged everyone. And I realised that they were underestimating me... who I was had nothing to do with it. ‘Cause if they were curious, they would’ve asked questions. You know? Questions like, “Have you played a lot of darts, Ted?”

Ted: To which I would’ve answered, “Yes, sir. Every Sunday afternoon at a sports bar with my father, from age ten till I was 16, when he passed away.” Barbecue sauce.

With ‘barbecue sauce’, Ted hits the bullseye and wins the game.

I’ve been very tempted to add a tattoo to my collection - ‘be curious, not judgmental’, because I’ve firmly adopted that as a core philosophy.

Too many of us are judgmental by default. When confronted with a situation, we judge what’s in front of us without context or research. We don’t consider the possibilities, which often leads us to avoid opportunities, especially when we think it might go poorly. We sidestep the potential for embarrassment, the risk of looking foolish, or the sting of social rejection.

Quite likely the cost of each judgment is small, but when seen in cummulation, it manifests as a life shaped more by what we have protected ourselves from than what we have actually experienced.

I was struck by a story told by mathematician Hannah Fry during an interview on the podcast Table Manners. She spoke about her decision to try stand-up comedy. It was not a career pivot or a quest for a new identity. She did it because she was curious.

She captured the sentiment perfectly: “It might be awful. But I want to know.“

There is a profound freedom in that perspective. Most of our hesitation stems from a rigid sense of identity. We tell ourselves, “I am not the kind of person who fails” or “I am someone who is always prepared.” When we attach our self-worth to the outcome, the stakes become too high to move. We require certainty before we take a step, and because certainty is rare, we stay exactly where we are. Our snap judgments are the wall blocking us from trying something new.

If we dig down, the judgment we make is rarely about the opportunity itself; often, it’s the fear of losing control, of being out of our depth.

For the curious, if you try and failure occurs, you have gained data. You have a memory, a story, and a clearer understanding of your boundaries. Failure is a temporary state, and it will pass.

However, if you do not try, you are left with the silence of not knowing - another small judgmental decision compounded onto an ever-growing mountain of assumptions and regrets.

I choose to be curious, it’s not bravado - far from it! It’s not about being fearless. I’m as fearful as anyone. It is about deciding that the answer to the question “What would happen?” is more valuable than the comfort of remaining unchanged.

None of this is about grand gestures; it’s the small things. Speaking up when maybe you might have been silent. Trying a new skill. Booking tickets to an event that might seem confronting (somatic dance, anyone?). It all boils down to ‘suck it and see’.

Being a Good Human is not always about getting it right the first time. Far from it. A good life is not built on a foundation of succeeding at first try, but if you don’t try, don’t show up, don’t show willingness to be curious about tackling something new, you can never expect to grow as a human.

We should not expect that we need absolute certainty to live well. We just need enough curiosity to take the step.