Different Loves, Different Lives: The Many Ways We Connect
Perhaps romantic partnerships should not be the most significant relationships in your life. This narrow focus on romantically coupled partners misses a rich tapestry of meaningful connections.
How many pop songs have been written about a girl who meets a boy, falls in love, stars explode, and they live happily ever after?
But how many of us could swear blind they have been in ‘love’? How many of us can define what that means? How does it feel? From an early age, we're taught that romantic love is the pinnacle of human connection. Movies end with a kiss, songs proclaim that love conquers all, and social gatherings often begin with "Are you seeing anyone?"
Our heteronormative society paints an unerring path that believes a monogamous romantic couple is the ultimate destiny for all of us. And when those couplings break down, it alters the social landscape. Especially for us parents, our social lives are dominated by the other parents in our circle - the Dads we stand on sports field sidelines with, the Mums at school drop off. The weekend BBQ invitations, the parties and gatherings are almost exclusively couples.
When a couple separates, the invitations dry up. Who do they invite? Whose side are they on? Who was at fault? It’s too risky and awkward, so nobody invites you to anything. So much for ‘friendship’; the frailty of connections possibly built up over many years is exposed.
Perhaps romantic partnerships should not be the most significant relationships in your life. This narrow focus on romantically coupled partners misses a rich tapestry of meaningful connections. If we invest more in these other connections, we might not find ourselves so much on the outside when our romantic relationships break up.
The Romance Monopoly
Marisa Franco has written about friendship and platonic love.
“Assuming one person sufficiently completes us … leads us to lose out on not just friendship but also romance.”
Our society has elevated romantic love as the pinnacle of relationships. By doing so, we’ve created an abyss into which too many of us fall when the relationship sours, which statistically it likely will. This cultural conditioning runs deep. We have elaborate ceremonies for wedding days, but nothing comparable for the day you meet your best friend. We have anniversary celebrations for romantic couples, but rarely mark friendship milestones with the same reverence.
The assumption that romantic partnerships are the primary form of meaningful connection has real consequences. Many people feel incomplete without a romantic partner, despite having loving friends and family. Others maintain unfulfilling romantic relationships because they've been taught that having any romantic relationship is better than having none.
How many couples stay together for convenience? I’m guessing all too frequently. We fall into mutual habits and relationship ruts, just living a surface-level connection. We become housemates and lose sight of what brought us together in the first place. Daily responsibilities, jobs, children, and housekeeping become the primary drivers for remaining together.
Friendship: The Undervalued Connection
Building a world that honours diverse forms of connection requires personal and collective change. Soon after my separation six years ago, I read Stephanie Dowrick’s best-selling book The Universal Heart. I found this eye-opening. I had never considered the many deep relationships that can form in your life. She argues that "a life worth living is a life of love" – but crucially, she expands the definition of love beyond the romantic. Dowrick encourages readers to "live more appreciatively across all our relationships, including with our own selves," suggesting that what we learn about love in one context can enhance all our connections.
"In a world where fears of not being or having enough dominate," Dowrick writes, "love is ours to discover, to give, and to receive." Her work invites us to focus less on how we might be saved by love and more on becoming more loving—a subtle but profound shift that makes room for diverse relationship structures.
On a personal level, we can begin by examining our own relationship hierarchies. Do we cancel plans with friends when a romantic prospect emerges? Do we invest in maintaining friendships with the same care we give to romantic relationships? Something that bugs me is the assumption that someone without a romantic partner is somehow incomplete. If they can’t attract a partner, what’s wrong with them?
Why do we so often consider platonic friendships secondary to romantic ones?
Oprah Winfrey, who has maintained a decades-long platonic friendship with Gayle King, once remarked,
"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."
This sentiment reflects the durability of true friendship—the kind that persists through hardship and isn't conditional on romantic or sexual attraction. These friendships can be as profound and lasting as any marriage.
Some friendships evolve into something resembling marriage in commitment, if not romance or sexuality. These "platonic life partnerships" challenge conventional relationship categories altogether.
These partnerships often involve financial entanglement, cohabitation, and sometimes even co-parenting. They feature the commitment and interdependence of marriage without the romantic or sexual elements. What makes them revolutionary is intentionally centring friendship as a primary life relationship, rather than treating it as a placeholder until romance arrives.
"Think of it like the closeness you have with a sibling or a close family member," explains author Rhaina Cohen, who has researched platonic life partnerships extensively. "Sex doesn't define many of the relationships that deeply impact us. We need to reconsider why society places such emphasis on sex in defining partnerships."
Recently, I’ve learnt about the ‘chosen family’ concept. Your found or chosen family refers to a group of people who intentionally choose to love and support each other, regardless of marriage or blood relationship. People may build and describe their found families differently. These relationships create safety nets and provide the emotional foundation humans need to thrive.
I find myself very drawn to this. Interestingly, if I look around my friendship constellation and the community I consider myself a part of, I see burgeoning signs of a ‘chosen family’, people with whom I have a closeness and amongst whom there is a strong care for each other’s well-being.
The concept of "chosen family" has deep roots in LGBTQ+ communities, where biological family rejection has often necessitated the creation of alternative support networks.
A family should be about love, not DNA. We can each be an uncle, a son, or a sister, yet not be biologically related.
For many in marginalised communities, chosen family isn't a rejection of traditional family values but rather an expansion of them—applying the principles of unconditional love and lifelong commitment to relationships formed through choice rather than circumstance.
Polyamory: Expanding the Heart's Capacity
Why can you not love more than one person? Polyamory challenges the "one true love" narrative, proposing instead that people can love multiple partners simultaneously, with everyone's consent and knowledge. Polyamory is an alternative relationship model, giving visibility to forms of love that exist outside traditional monogamy.
While some people find that one romantic relationship meets their needs, others discover that their capacity for love extends to multiple partners simultaneously. Polyamorous relationships—ethical non-monogamy with the consent of all involved—offer another connection model.
Research suggests these relationships may be more common than previously thought. According to a US study, approximately one in six people (16.8%) desire to engage in polyamory, and one in nine (10.7%) have engaged in polyamory at some point in their lives.
Philosopher Alain de Botton notes:
"There's a constant tension between the excitement of new people and security with one person. If you go with excitement, you create chaos; you hurt people. There's jealousy, and it gets very messy. If you have security, it can be boring, and you die inside because of all the opportunities missed."
Polyamorous relationships take many forms. Some feature a "primary" relationship with additional partners, while others operate without hierarchy. Research shows that polyfamilies vary in structure from small triads to large multi-family systems, potentially including partners who live together, partners who live separately, and partners' other partners (known as metamours).
These relationships reject the notion that romantic love must be exclusive to be meaningful or committed.
When Friendship Takes Centre Stage in Marriage
Even within the traditional marriage framework, the bond's nature can evolve over time. Many long-term marriages gradually transition from passionate romance to something that more closely resembles a deep friendship.
Researchers call these "companionate marriages"—relationships characterised by deep attachment, shared history, and mutual support, even if the initial romantic spark has faded.
Former First Lady Michelle Obama spoke candidly about the evolution of marriage in her 2022 book "The Light We Carry," noting that:
"We have to understand that marriage is never 50/50" and emphasizing that young people should learn "what it actually means to partner with somebody and what those compromises look like."
These relationships remind us that romance isn't always the most durable foundation for a lifelong partnership. As Cohen points out,
"When people make wedding vows, they're not necessarily promising eternal sexual desire but, rather, to be there for each other through thick and thin."
Solitude and Self-Partnership
Relationship diversity also includes embracing solitude, not as a consolation prize for those who "couldn't find anyone," but as a valid life choice that offers its own rewards.
Emma Watson made headlines when she described herself as "self-partnered" rather than single, highlighting the distinction between being alone and lonely. Her framing challenged the notion that people without romantic partners are incomplete or in a state of waiting.
Poet May Sarton wrote eloquently about chosen solitude: "Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self." Her words capture the potential depth of the relationship we can develop with ourselves when not constantly seeking external validation.
Self-partnership involves treating oneself with the same care, respect, and commitment one would offer a beloved partner. It recognises that a rich inner life can provide fulfilment that doesn't depend on romantic attachment.
Barriers to Relationship Diversity
Despite the rich variety of meaningful connections, several factors maintain our culture's primacy of romantic relationships.
Legal systems in most countries recognise only romantic partnerships through marriage (or de facto), offering financial and legal benefits unavailable to other forms of connection. Healthcare systems often restrict visitation and decision-making rights to spouses or biological family. Economic structures make independent living financially challenging, pushing many toward cohabitation with romantic partners by necessity rather than choice.
Beyond these structural barriers, social pressures remain powerful. Many people in platonic life partnerships report being questioned about their choices in ways that romantic couples rarely experience.
On a cultural level, we need new language, rituals, and representations that elevate non-romantic bonds. We also need legal frameworks that allow people to extend rights and benefits to their chosen family, regardless of romantic or biological connection.
Some communities are already taking steps in this direction. In 2021, the city of Cambridge, Massachusetts, approved an ordinance allowing domestic partnerships with more than two partners, supported by the Polyamory Legal Advocacy Coalition. Such legal changes create space for relationship structures that better match the diverse ways people connect.
Finding Your Own Path
Perhaps the most liberating perspective centres on individual choice rather than predetermined relationship categories. As Rhaina Cohen suggests, we might ask ourselves:
"If you're designing life from scratch, who do you want to spend a ton of time with? Who do you want to maybe raise a family with? How many people do you want to orient your life around?"
The answers to these questions will be different for everyone. Some will find their most profound fulfilment in traditional marriage, others in platonic partnerships, chosen families, polyamorous networks, or self-partnership, and many will create unique combinations of these forms throughout their lives.
Our culture often presents relationship development as a linear progression: dating leads to exclusivity, which leads to moving in together, engagement, marriage, and children. Sociologists call this the "relationship escalator"—a fixed path with predetermined steps that may not serve everyone.
What would happen if we stepped off this escalator and acknowledged that meaningful connection comes in many forms? What if we recognised that the significant relationships in our lives might include a best friend, a chosen sibling, a platonic co-parent, or multiple romantic partners?
We might discover that the question isn't whether to prioritise romance over friendship, solitude over community, or monogamy over polyamory. Instead, the question is how to build a life rich in many forms of love, creating a personal constellation of connections that supports our unique needs and values.
Ultimately, what matters isn't the label we put on our relationships but their quality—whether they bring us joy, growth, and support. As Stephanie Dowrick reminds us in "The Universal Heart," love "connects us most deeply to our best selves and other people." Perhaps the healthiest approach is to welcome love in whatever form it appears, celebrating the beautiful diversity of human connection.