Loneliness in a Hyperconnected World
Why are so many people still lonely when we can message anyone at any time, anywhere in the world? Doesn’t all of this technology mean we are fully connected?
The Sunday morning ritual at my English boarding school in the late 1970s was the same every week. Toast from the bain-marie, slathered in marmalade - soggy because the toast was lumped in piles, and the steam rendered it the consistency of wet paper. Spooning sugar into a cup of stewed tea, with much caution exercised to avoid the sugar bowls into which some wag had dumped the contents of a salt shaker.
After breakfast, the sports coats were slung on, and we all tramped off to the chapel. A hymn, a prayer, a reading, sitting in the smaller chapel, arses numb on century-old wooden benches, pent-up energy itching to be set free for our one day a week with no classes, sport or other commitments.
After Chapel, we international boarders were herded into the study room, filled with ancient swing-lid desks replete with the carved initials of multiple generations of adolescent boys and a small circular hole where the ink pot used to be inserted back before fountain pens. Each of us was issued an aerogram; today, they are an anachronism, a throwback to an earlier age.
While aerograms are primarily a thing of the past, they remain a fond memory for those like me who used them and a subject of interest for philatelists (stamp collectors) and historians. Today, they represent a charming and nostalgic aspect of the pre-digital communication era.
The aerogram was designed to be both the letter and its own envelope, which reduced the weight and, consequently, the cost of sending mail by air. Its popularity proliferated, particularly during wartime, as it provided an accessible means for soldiers and civilians to keep in touch across long distances.
We sat in the study room with the teacher’s plea to find something interesting to say to Mum and Dad back home. We scratched out words with our ink pens before licking and sealing the three sides and passing them to the teacher to place in the mail.
The notion of speaking to Mum and Dad on the phone was unthinkable. The costs were astronomical to dial Darwin from the English Midlands. And anyway, it didn’t even enter anyone’s consciousness that this might be useful. Why would a homesick 12-year-old, 12,000 miles away from their parents, want to make a phone call? International calls were reserved for deaths, babies and marriages. And even then, I suspect many people thought twice before dialling a country code because of the cost.
As late as the 2000s, running a business in Melbourne, I can remember finally working out that almost all telephone calls were billed by the minute other than ‘local’ calls in your closest suburbs. In the 2000s, we bought our daughter a gadget to send and receive text messages. I remember being astounded by the bills and how many texts she could send daily!
Fast forward to today. As parents, we sometimes joke about how we can’t wait for our kids to leave home. Or how if they haven’t left home by the time they turn 30, we’ll change the locks. However, in today’s house price climate in Australia, it’s difficult to see how a twenty-something can ever afford their own place.
A couple of years ago, my eldest daughter took the plunge and moved to London, the other side of the world. This wasn’t the first time she’d been so far away; she spent a year in exchange at Sussex University while pursuing her degree. This time, she was on a two-year work visa, so the intent was to be gone for that time.
We didn’t see her in the flesh the whole time apart from a flying visit home in the middle – although even that was delayed by COVID and forced her to miss Christmas with us.
She’d often Facetime me as she walked to the bus stop in the morning, conveniently early evening for me back in Australia. We’d gossip for ten minutes, maybe pause for a moment while she popped into the cafe for a coffee and bagel.
We’d message whenever a thought or question struck us. My daughter would send me photos from her office window - there’s a restaurant over the road from her office, frequently by people on TV; I vaguely remember a photo of a Top Gear presenter sitting on the pavement with his lunch, spied by her from her window.
The internet, and its capacity to enable messaging, video and all manner of communication at no cost, has transformed how we connect and interact with the world, our friends and our family.
I use WhatsApp, SMS and Facebook Messenger to stay in touch with friends and family worldwide; it’s a constant dialogue across multiple apps, sometimes with the same person. They send me a reel on Facebook. I reciprocate with an Insta post. They comment via WhatsApp. Somehow, we all keep track of the interaction, so it’s one conversation thread irrespective of the app. Read receipts means I know if the recipient has seen the message. If it’s important, there’s almost a feeling of relief knowing my message has gone through, and they have seen it. New terms, like ‘ghosting’, have been coined when someone stops responding to our messages.
People with Android phones annoy me because I can’t iMessage them from my Mac, I have to pull out my phone. The dreaded green text bubbles on my iPhone mean I’ve actually sent an SMS via the phone network rather than a blue message via the internet. I guess one day, Apple and Google will get their act together.
So why are so many people still lonely when we can message anyone at any time, anywhere in the world? Doesn’t all of this technology mean we are fully connected?
According to Psychology Toda, we are creating a lonely generation of humans:
“The mental health challenges experienced by Gen Z are like nothing any other generation has faced. Only 45 percent of Gen Z report “excellent” or “very good” mental health, which is the lowest of any generation. Ninety-one percent of Gen Z adults say they have experienced at least one physical or emotional symptom because of stress, such as feeling depressed or sad (58 percent), or lacking interest, motivation, or energy (55 percent). And 68 percent of Gen Z report feeling significant stress about the future.”
We spend an extraordinary amount of time buried in our phones:
“As of 2022, the average daily social media usage of internet users worldwide amounted to 151 minutes per day, up from 147 minutes in the previous year.”
The first challenge is obvious: we may be connected in many electronic ways, but it often lacks the depth and emotional connection of face-to-face interactions, leading to a sense of isolation. People might spend more time interacting with friends online than cultivating relationships in the real world, which can lead to a superficial sense of connection. It’s the quality of the connection that is missing. It seems that:
“...by increasingly engaging with artificial intelligences and interacting via the Internet, we became prepared to have so-called “relationships with less”. These are relationships that lack essential aspects of human interactions. For instance, when the simulation of emotions replaces actual feelings in the case of interactions with a social robot, or when a “friendship” without commitments last no longer than a few clicks in connecting through social media.”
Concurrent with this is how platforms like Instagram and Facebook present highly curated versions of others' lives. This can lead to social comparison, where individuals feel their lives are less fulfilling or exciting than others, fostering feelings of loneliness and inadequacy.
I have my phone on silent almost the whole time; the constant stream of notifications, emails, and messages can be overwhelming – and they are a continual distraction to my immediate environment and the people in it.
I’m often fascinated watching couples – of all ages – in my local café, sitting together, yet both staring and scrolling their phones. This over-reliance on technology can lead to avoidance of dealing with personal issues or developing coping mechanisms – those couples buried in their phones whilst their partners are two feet away and are not talking or interacting. Maybe they feel isolated when they are not engaged with their devices. Bizarrely, one can be alone in a crowded room.
“Our interactions with technology shape the experience of being lonely in an undeniable way. It's not just that tech creates an illusion of connection. Endless possibilities for interactions lower our tolerance for solitude while raising expectations about the number, speed and frequency of our connections.”
Excessive use of technology, especially before bed, disrupts sleep patterns. Studies show two or more hours of screen time in the evening can seriously disrupt the melatonin surge needed to fall asleep. Of course, poor sleep is linked with feelings of loneliness and depression. Constant exposure to the internet and digital media can exacerbate mental health issues, which in turn can increase feelings of loneliness.
I run a technology company where most staff work remotely either part or all of the time. My work life has a constant flow of emails, Slack messages, Zooms and texts, sometimes at all times of the day and night, given we have customers and users worldwide. Constant connectivity can make it difficult to disconnect and engage in personal relationships. The blurring of boundaries between work and personal life can lead to a sense of isolation.
My son is an avid gamer; he can sit on his PlayStation for hours. We know that
the use of technology often correlates with a sedentary lifestyle. Physical activity is known to boost mood and social interactions, so a lack of it can contribute to feelings of loneliness and depression. I honestly don’t worry about my son on this score – he also plays multiple sports this week and has an active social life. He’s found a good balance, but many do not.
While technology offers many benefits, balancing its use with real-world interactions and activities is crucial for mental well-being.
"Loneliness is not lack of company, loneliness is lack of purpose." — Guillermo Maldonado
Next time: 3 predictors of happiness. Giving. Connection and Meaningful Life
Well done and awesome story thanks for sharing