The Conversation You've Been Putting Off
Avoidance builds distance that feels inexplicable because it was constructed so gradually.
Last night I sat in a pub listening to a scientist explain why I am the way I am, a part of the Talks on Tuesdays series. The topic was “Why am I like this? The Science Behind Your Weirdest Thoughts and Habits“, presented by Associate Professor Jen Martin - the talk was based on her book of the same name.
She covered a lot of ground, but a part that stuck with me was about procrastination. She reassured us that it is a common human trait. Her primary point was that we need to learn to forgive ourselves for this, and instead of putting things off because they seem insurmountable or uncomfortable, we should break the challenge into small pieces. Don’t tell yourself I need to go for a run. Tell yourself I need to put my shoes on. The run takes care of itself from there. The barrier isn’t the task. It’s the story we’ve constructed around the task.
It is normal, not weird, to be scared or concerned about tackling a task we have built up in our minds as challenging. Raising tough topics with our partners or friends may be especially worrying. Perhaps something you’ve wanted to raise with your partner. Or a truth that needs telling to a friend.
This week, I’m asking you to consider becoming a paid subscriber to Alone Rangers, either monthly or annually. As an incentive, if you purchase either a monthly or an annual subscription before the end of March, I’ll mail you my Be Present Tracker Kit at no charge.
The Kit gives you a simple daily ritual that helps you notice small moments of awareness and build a habit of presence.
We might fear the conflict that might arise and how the other person will react. We likely overthink, practice, and anticipate the conflict that might eventuate in the heat of the moment. By the time we’ve finished imagining it, we’ve already lived through the exhausting version - and chosen silence instead.
It turns out we are not alone in this. Research suggests that nearly seven in ten adults regularly avoid crucial conversations with the people closest to them.
According to a new Marriage.com survey of 2,399 U.S. adults in committed relationships, 70% of couples avoid at least one major relationship conversation, most commonly about emotions, sex, money, or trust.
While communication is often described as the foundation of a healthy relationship, our findings suggest that avoidance (not arguments) may be the more widespread challenge.
From emotional needs and physical intimacy to financial concerns and jealousy, many couples admit they sidestep the very topics that shape long-term connection and stability.
The most common reasons? Fear of how the other person will react, and a belief that raising the issue will damage the relationship - the very relationship they are trying to protect by staying quiet.
There’s a painful irony buried in that finding. The psychological research is clear: the more we work to avoid a difficult internal experience, the more distress we tend to accumulate around it.
It’s only natural for people to want to turn away from pain. Yet what works in the external world (running away from a tiger) often is less effective in our minds. Painting ourselves into a corner to get away from anxiety usually creates more anxiety while blocking us from the things that truly matte
Relationship researcher John Gottman argues conflict is not what damages relationships. How we handle - or avoid - it is. His motto for healthy partnership is the same as Jen Martin’s: small things often. Not grand gestures. Not perfectly timed conversations. Just small, consistent honesty, before the resentment floods the system (pretty similar to my Be Present Tracker kit, small moments simply recorded!)
Avoidance builds distance that feels inexplicable because it was constructed so gradually. Perhaps we think we are keeping the peace? Except actually, we are building barriers. We treat the discomfort as a stop sign rather than a starting point.
So what’s the smallest version of that conversation you could have? Not the full confrontation you’ve been dreading. Not the speech you’ve been rehearsing in the car. Just the first sentence. Hey, there’s something I’ve been wanting to talk about.