The Cost of Taking Charge in a Relationship
Where helping a partner tips into managing them, and what it costs the relationship.
It seems inevitable that any long-term relationship will devolve into one between a manager and a managed. Old school convention dictates that the wife actually does the managing - organising the house, the kids and the doctor appointments. And there are many relationships today, I am sure, where this is still the case. Although not helped by the rise of tradwife influences looking for clicks whilst espousing some golden age of marriage and traditional gender roles. Of course, the husband goes to work and comes home to a clean house, clean children and dinner on the table.
But even in a relationship, when both parties are on the same page about the division of duties, someone will wind up checking that the bins are actually out and the power bill is paid. If this balance is equitable in the context of each other’s commitments and schedules, then great.
The problem is, there can come a point where care turns into control - and too often it’s the men who cross the line.
The clinical name for this is overfunctioning, a concept from the family systems work of psychiatrist Murray Bowen. It describes someone who manages a partner’s choices, moods, or tasks, not because the partner can’t handle them, but because watching them struggle, make slow decisions, or get it wrong feels worse than simply taking over.
Kathleen Smith, a therapist who writes on Bowen theory, puts it plainly.
“Overfunctioning is not a personality trait. It is one end of a reciprocal relationship process.”
Clearly, if one partner takes over, the other has to step back, and the household settles into roles that feel predetermined, despite neither person having tacitly agreed.
It’s a fine line in a way. Reminding your partner about organising an appointment is kind, but a second or third time? And worse, “Oh, I’ll just book it” is a vote of no confidence. It doesn’t fly with me; I’ve managed more projects, schedules and activities than hot breakfasts. I’m the demon of to-do lists; there are three written ones on my kitchen counter right now (housework, shopping, planning for a dinner party on Friday) plus my electronic work one, which surfaces on both my phone and my Mac.
You might think going ahead and booking the appointment is an act of love, but did your partner actually ask for help? Your partner needs to feel like a separate person, not a project to be managed and kept on schedule with a GAANT chart.
Zach Brittle, a Gottman Institute therapist, has spent years watching couples try to win control through pressure rather than trust.
“In a relationship fraught with conflict, wielding contempt and criticism can seem like a great way to seize a measure of control. But it’s an illusion.”
Most overfunctioning never gets that loud or that obvious. It’s way more subtle and grounded in misplaced good intentions, which is why it can carry on for years before the totality culminates in confrontation and a breaking point. I suspect many couples survive in silence, each deep in their roles, with a managed resignation, effectively gaslit into believing their relationship is ‘normal’.
Of course, none of this is about doing less for the people you love, whatever form of relationship - a marriage, long-term de facto, a friendship, an open relationship. But maybe next time you feel a pull to jump on something you feel your partner has neglected, try doing nothing and let them deal with it their way.