The Friendship Pyramid Is a Map, Not a Mandate
A useful framework for understanding loneliness - as long as you don't let it measure you.
There’s a particular kind of loneliness that hits hardest when you’re surrounded by people. You have hundreds of online connections, a group chat that never stops buzzing, and a full calendar. And yet, on a Tuesday night when something goes sideways, you can’t think of a single person to call.
Anna Goldfarb, who writes the newsletter Friendship Explained, has a framework for why this happens, and it has nothing to do with being unlikeable. It has to do with tiers.
Goldfarb maps our social lives across five distinct layers, each named after a body of water. At the innermost ring is the Bathtub (one or two people with full, unfiltered access to you: a partner, a lifelong best friend, someone who has seen you cry in an airport). Then the Jacuzzi (three to five people), your core emotional support crew. Then a Swimming Pool, a High Tide, and finally the Water Park, which caps out near Robin Dunbar’s famous 150-person limit for meaningful social recognition.
The framework is elegant, and its central diagnosis is hard to argue with. Most of the modern loneliness epidemic isn’t happening at the Water Park. We’ve gotten very good at accumulating weak ties, mistaking the noise for nourishment. What’s actually suffering is the Jacuzzi. Anna Goldfarb writes:
“The loneliness epidemic isn’t really a water park problem. Most lonely people have an overflowing cornucopia of acquaintances. What they’re missing are those valuable Jacuzzi people.”
Robert Waldinger, director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, the longest-running happiness study on record, found the same pattern from a different angle:
“The surprising finding is that our relationships and how happy we are in our relationships has a powerful influence on our health.”
Wealth and career success barely feature. The three to five people who know you well enough to tell you the truth: that’s the tier that keeps you healthy and sane. As we’ve explored before, making those connections as an adult is harder than most people expect, and the deficit is real.
“Making friends as an adult isn’t impossible. It’s just different. It requires more intention, more effort, and more courage than it did when we were seven.”
So the framework earns its keep. Where it gets shakier is in the assumptions quietly baked into its architecture.
Yes, it’s true that quite likely the Bathtub accurately describes those in traditional monogamous relationships, but even then, you must be careful not to audit your life - do I have three to five people in my Jacuzzi - is eight too many? How come I only have two?
The pyramid works cleanly if your social life follows a fairly conventional shape. But the assumptions it rests on aren’t always visible until you step outside them. Someone who is polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous might have two or three Bathtub-level relationships simultaneously, partners who each carry genuine depth and know the unguarded version, and the tier model doesn’t quite know what to do with that.
Some people have intense long-term relationships with others online, without ever meeting in person. Some are finding comfort and connection with AI chats. An extrovert might find a 150-person Water Park a source of energy, but for an introvert, that’s a definition of hell. That’s the risk with any framework: it is by nature prescriptive. And that’s fine, provided you don’t get too bound up in the literalness.
The pyramid is a useful tool to notice where your connections might be thin on the ground. You might have an intense, close relationship with your partner, but perhaps your wider constellation is lacking. But it’s important to remember that building an authentic connection has to start with your own life, not by trying to fit it to someone else’s map.
“It’s not just about finding someone who ‘gets me’. You need to be equipped and develop emotional intelligence to understand yourself and the people you associate with, ensuring you can navigate the differing experiences and perspectives.”
The world is a broad and colourful canvas. Some people will find their version of the Jacuzzi in a partner and two lifelong friends. Others will find it in a rotating constellation of people, each holding a different facet of who they are. Some will have a Water Park that matters enormously to them; others will have let that tier go and feel no loss. None of these configurations is a failure of the framework. They’re just lives.
Use the map, but don’t let it use you.