The Loneliness of the Bullied - and Bully
One might imagine that the victims of bullies are the ones for whom loneliness is a natural consequence. Except it affects all sides of the equation.
I’ve been bullied at school on two continents. After moving to Australia in the mid-1970s, I was sent back to boarding school in England. Despite only being away from England for a couple of years, I was a tanned, seawater-bleached blonde from the antipodes, so fair game for the privileged offspring from wealthy local families, whose fathers were old boys, who were in turn old boys themselves, destined to achieve greatness as they travelled the well-worn path of the English public school system before lobbing into the world of straw boaters and punts of the hedonistic Oxbridge lifestyle.
Back in Darwin, I attended a local Catholic high school. My middle-class Englishness set me apart - and that’s a magnet to the bully radar.
Then off I go to Geelong Grammar, where my fish out of water status was turned up to eleven. The school was swarming with the progeny of Liberal politicians and the wealthy squatocracy of the Victorian western districts. There was pretty much no conscious or visible pastoral care from the school. One of the worst bullies was the child of a staff member. Untouchable.
Here’s the thing. One might imagine that the victims of bullies are the ones for whom loneliness is a natural consequence. Except it affects all sides of the equation. Research into the relationship between childhood bullying and young adult self-esteem and loneliness found:
Similar levels of self‐esteem were found in young adults who were childhood bullies, bully-victims, and normals. However, as adults, bullies and their victims report significantly more loneliness than normals. That loneliness occurs more often in adults involved in childhood bullying has important implications for intervention and future research.
There are no winners. But let’s face it. Being bullied fucking sucks.
Loneliness is an internal sense, based on one’s perception of their relation to others, and how others view them, to include feeling disconnected, alienated, unknown, or estranged. A lonely person may not necessarily be alone in actuality, but as one possible result of having been bullied, feels chronically isolated, possibly leading to anxiety, depression, and overall decreased functioning and well-being.
I connect with so many of these emotions. I’ve been reading about attachment styles recently. I’ll most likely write more about this later, and I can see without any effort just how far away from a secure attachment style these childhood experiences left me.
I have always been a loner - hence the title of my newsletter. My loneliness manifested in both emotional detachment and an inability to regulate my emotions, usually to the detriment of those close to me, my siblings and relatives. I’ve likely caused harm to others as a result. I probably have been depressed many times but so out of touch with my emotions, I could not articulate my distress. Instead, I ensured I was always busy, working long hours, even taking on late-night volunteer shifts in a hospital that others shied away from, just to fill the void in my mind. I was a ‘doer’ rather than a feeler.
I was emotionally lonely. And didn’t even know it.
Here are some numbers to keep you up at night because bullying has a solid connection to suicide - both the bullied and the bully.
From Bullying Statistics:
Suicide is the third leading cause of death among young people, resulting in about 4,400 deaths per year, according to the CDC. For every suicide among young people, there are at least 100 suicide attempts. Over 14 percent of high school students have considered suicide, and almost 7 percent have attempted it.
Bully victims are between 2 to 9 times more likely to consider suicide than non-victims, according to studies by Yale University
A study in Britain found that at least half of suicides among young people are related to bullying
10 to 14 year old girls may be at even higher risk for suicide, according to the study above
According to statistics reported by ABC News, nearly 30 percent of students are either bullies or victims of bullying, and 160,000 kids stay home from school every day because of fear of bullying
Bullying is deeply entwined with what some term the loneliness epidemic among young people. Bullying is widespread and can be traced to the school environment and family home life. Fundamentally, lonely kids are much more likely to be bullied. Ground zero is the last few years of high school.
A survey of 900 middle school students from rural schools throughout the U.S by the University of Missouri in 2019 found:
Students who feel a greater sense of belonging with their peers, family and school community are less likely to become bullies. Their findings suggest that parents and teachers should consider ways to create a supportive and accepting environment both at home and at school.
The results indicate that the more a student feels like they belong among their peers and family, the more likely they will feel like they belong at school. In addition, the more they feel like they belong within their school community, the less likely they were to report bullying behaviors.
Here’s the thing. Bullying is not new. I have related my experiences of my time at school in the 1970s and 80s. This study is only a couple of years old. Have we made no progress? Is bullying in schools growing? I suspect a lack of data from my school days impedes forming a decent longitudinal analysis. I also suspect that it won’t matter how many decades or centuries you regress; none of this is new.
Bullying methods have evolved with the times. The internet has opened a myriad of excellent opportunities for bullies to exploit.
According to results from Student Reports of Bullying: Results From the 2017 School Crime Supplement to the National Crime Victimization Survey,
20 percent of students reported being bullied during the 2016–17 school year. Of those students, 15 percent reported being bullied online or by text, which is an increase from 11.5 percent during the 2014–15 school year.
Forty-two children aged between 8 and 10 years were interviewed about their experience of loneliness at primary school:
It was found that a majority of children (80%) had periods of being lonely at school and that these experiences were associated with boredom, inactivity, a tendency to withdraw into fantasy, and a passive attitude towards social interactions. Moreover, children who invested in very few friendships were more vulnerable to becoming isolated. Similarly, a majority of children (68%) claimed to have been bullied, with lonely children being more likely to be victimized by peers.
Here’s the real kicker from that research: the kids also reported that interventions by teachers in bullying situations were ineffective in bringing it to a close. So, the school was failing the students. It seems nothing has changed from my time at school.
I can almost understand some of the hard right political movements in the USA and their push for a return to a biblically driven ‘family values’ community - don’t worry; I’m not falling prey to that furphy; there’s never been a ‘simpler time’, just different times.
But perhaps this is the ill-formed kernel of what might be driving them to suggest their children need to be ‘protected’. Of course, the recent book banning ridiculousness and opposition to drag queen book readings isn’t going to achieve the utopia they yearn for. They believe the system has failed their children and want to ‘take back’ control. No wonder ‘drain the swamp’ rang true for so many; it plays on the same insecurities and preconceptions of what ails a community.
Here’s a sad thought. Because I was lonely and bullied, my children were also more likely to be. Given my kids are adults or very nearly, I wish I had understood this during their school years. A study that tested parental loneliness, family of origin environment, and a history of being bullied as predictors of loneliness in young adults discovered:
Parental loneliness and a history of being bullied each had direct effects on young adults’ loneliness as well as indirect effects through reduced social skills.
The study looked at family environments and noted that lonely parents did not create family environments conducive to open communication, thus passing on the sense of disconnect and loneliness. The environment they create with their children is:
not as conversational, supportive, and effective in nature as the family environment that nonlonely parents help to construct. The family environment in which communication patterns are more restrictive and less effective is itself associated with young adults’ loneliness.
I grew up in a household where the emotional guideposts were virtually non-existent. Indeed, they were pointing in the wrong direction. Emotion was not something to be discussed or shown. We adopted a brave face; we didn’t show our emotions to the world. In modern Australian parlance, ‘suck it up, buttercup’.
As children we are our parents - a product of their capacity, skills, knowledge and ability to navigate the world. Once we reach school, we fall under the care of an education system that is not always set up for student success - well, maybe academically. But what price graduating class with straight As in everything other than how to be compassionate, thoughtful and emotionally intelligent humans?
It's clear that the impact of bullying can linger long after the school days are over, leaving emotional scars that affect not only the victims but also those who engage in such hurtful behavior. Loneliness knows no boundaries; it can affect everyone involved in a bullying situation. No one truly wins in this painful cycle, and the emotional toll it takes can lead to anxiety, depression, and a sense of chronic isolation.
Healing and self-awareness are ongoing processes, and it's never too late to explore our emotional landscapes. Kindness, empathy, and support are essential in helping individuals heal and thrive, regardless of the challenges they've faced.