The Myth of Self-Sufficiency: Why We Need Each Other

The idea of being the independent lone wolf is glorified in our culture, especially for men. We need to challenge the myth of self-sufficiency and explore the benefits of interdependence.

I was at a bar on the weekend with friends enjoying a drink and socialising, and chatted to a couple who’d travelled into town from country Victoria for a weekend away. Later in the evening, out on the smokers' deck, I ran into them again. The woman asked me, “Are you gay?”. I replied in the negative and asked her, “What made you think that?”. She responded that I seemed approachable, in touch with my emotions, intelligent and very sociable, just like her gay best friend.

I was enormously touched by this, and have replayed that conversation in my mind a few times since, because I felt it was a wonderful affirmation of how far I’ve come emotionally and intellectually in the past few years.

The Daniel Craig Delusion: How Culture Sells Us Impossible Standards

My track record is as a loner, irrespective of the relationships I’ve been in. I had succumbed to all the tropes and cultural propaganda about what it means to be a man, especially given that I grew up in the 1970s and 80s. And even then, I never thought I measured up. I remember being on a family holiday many years ago when the kids were young, staying on a lovely island resort in the Whitsundays. It was when that’ photo of Daniel Craig emerging from the water in his sexy blue bathers in the Casino Royale film. The image was on the cover of a magazine at the resort. I just sighed - Daniel is only a year or so younger than I am. Here was the standard, and I didn’t measure up. He was a hot, skilled secret agent who relied on nobody, and took on the bad guys single-handedly, the epitome of a gorgeous, intelligent, independent man.

This cultural glorification of independence, particularly as it is tied to traditional masculinity, profoundly shapes men’s views on vulnerability.

Research consistently shows that societal norms often equate masculinity with self-reliance, emotional restraint, and the ability to handle problems alone. At the same time, vulnerability is perceived as a sign of weakness or femininity. Is it any wonder that this pressure to conform to these ideals can discourage us from expressing emotions or seeking support, even when we are struggling?

When men face situations that threaten their sense of masculinity, such as losing a job or being unable to fulfil traditional provider roles, the expectation to remain independent and “strong” becomes even more pronounced. Studies indicate that men who strongly endorse traditional masculinity norms are less likely to be emotionally vulnerable, especially when their masculine identity is threatened. This reluctance to show vulnerability can limit social connections and negatively impact personal well-being.

“If you grew up in a culture that still imposes stoicism, self-sufficiency, and masculinity on boys, then you can have a fear of rejection if you open up. This can mean you continue to struggle in isolation instead of reaching out, in what has been coined ‘alpha male loneliness’.” (Jaffor Bhuiya, Harley Therapy Ltd)

Our media and culture reinforce these norms, presenting us with Daniel Craig in his designer swimwear - the self-sufficient and emotionally stoic male hero. Today, we seem to have turned the wheel even further with the awful portrayals of masculinity by the grub Andrew Tate and his acolytes. Yet young men especially respond to his message,

Regardless of the decade, we rarely depict men seeking help or expressing their emotional needs. Men who internalise these ideals develop a sense of isolation, making it harder for them to reach out for support when needed. The American Psychological Association and other research bodies have highlighted that suppressing emotions and adhering to rigid gender roles can lead to increased rates of depression, anxiety, and even self-destructive behaviours among men.

I moved house last year, downsizing from a five-bedroom to a three-bedroom home. This was a significant challenge; there was a vast number of items to sell, donate, or discard. I pretty much did the whole thing myself, other than hiring removalists to handle the large, heavy furniture items. A few months later, a close friend took me to task; she asked me why I had not asked for help. I honestly didn’t have an answer other than I was just doing what I always do, sorting my shit out for myself. It was a new experience to be asked this, and for me to question my answer.

This lone wolf image is deeply embedded in our cultural consciousness. From action heroes who single-handedly save the world to social media ‘gurus’ spouting mysoginiost crap, our society has elevated the myth of complete independence to almost sacred status. But what if this cherished ideal is not only unrealistic but actively harmful to our well-being?

The Numbers Don't Lie: A Generation Adrift

I’ve quoted the statistics before, but let’s retell. Our cult of independence has led us to 15% of American men reporting having no close friendships, with this figure rising to 28% among men under 30.

The data becomes even more alarming when examined more closely. According to Equimundo's 2023 State of American Men survey, two-thirds of men aged 18 to 23 said they felt that "no one really knows me". Among men ranging from older Millennials to Generation Z, a majority agree with the statement, "No one really knows me well," with Generation Z having the highest percentage of agreement among all respondents.

For men, in particular, the myth of self-sufficiency can be especially isolating. Socialised from an early age to be strong, silent and independent, many of us find it difficult to ask for help, whether emotionally, professionally or practically.

Even from a purely practical standpoint, complete self-sufficiency is an illusion. British author Matt Ridley argues that self-sufficiency is simply another word for poverty. When we try to do everything ourselves, we miss out on the efficiency gains that come from specialisation and collaboration.

Matt Ridley, a British author and journalist, argues that “self-sufficiency is another word for poverty.” Economist Tim Harford (also host of one of my favourite podcasts, ‘Cautionary Tales’) notes:

"Even something as simple as a pencil has contributions from dozens of people: loggers, miners, factory workers, designers. You can't make it alone."

The concept of "independence poverty" arises when an individual, company, or country attempts to isolate itself from the market and seclude itself from the assistance of others. This self-isolation results in extreme labour and wasted resources.

Wired for Connection: The Science of Belonging

Human beings evolved in groups, and our brains are literally wired for social connection. As anthropologist Margaret Mead noted:

"Ninety-nine percent of the time humans have lived on this planet we've lived in tribes, groups of 12 to 36 people".

We are not built to be alone, or indeed, in small units like the nuclear family - these are recent historical anomalies.

Belonging is a fundamental human need. People who feel a sense of belonging are happier, healthier, and more resilient.

I felt a taste of this on various occasions throughout my life. Crewing an old sailing ship for two months as a teenager. Working backstage in the theatre:

“You drink, eat, sleep, argue and laugh with them just as you would with your partner at home. It’s your family, and when a long show run comes to an end it can be excessively depressing, all you can think of is finding the next show, the next gig so you can experience that feeling of the family again.”

Research from the Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the longest studies of human life ever conducted, found that the key predictor of long-term happiness and health is the quality of our relationships. Not career success, not wealth, not even good genes—but relationships. Dr Robert Waldinger, the study's current director, noted: "Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period."

When men buy into the myth of complete self-sufficiency, the costs extend far beyond their well-being. Research has identified a phenomenon called "mankeeping", the invisible labour that women perform to maintain men's social connections. As researchers note, women frequently perform invisible labour by arranging and encouraging men's social interactions.

“In the past three decades, men’s social networks have shrunk significantly compared to women's. This shift leaves many men increasingly dependent on women for emotional support, a dynamic that some researchers believe can place undue strain on women.

Women take on the emotional burden of filling the gaps in men’s social circles. As men’s social connections decline, the invisible labor women invest in providing emotional support to men can be significant.”

The irony is that masculine norms emphasising hyperindependence actually create more dependence, just dependence on women rather than on a broader network of relationships.

Many of us associate support systems with romantic or familial bonds, but friendship plays a crucial role too.

Friendship is a key area where the myth of self-sufficiency is challenged. Friends provide support, laughter, and a sense of belonging. They help us navigate life's ups and downs, and remind us that we are not alone. In midlife, friendships often slip down the priority list, eclipsed by careers, families and responsibilities. Yet these relationships offer a unique space for mutual recognition and emotional honesty.

British philosopher Alain de Botton puts it succinctly: "A friend is someone who lets you talk nonsense and still respects you."

Friendships help us feel seen. They give us mirrors that reflect who we are when we’re not performing. They provide perspective, humour, and empathy—and, unlike many other relationships, they are chosen freely.

If we accept that we are not meant to be entirely self-sufficient, then what does it mean to live with more openness to others?

It might mean asking for help when we’re struggling—whether with a life decision, a mental health issue, or even just the chaos of day-to-day life. It might mean leaning into the community instead of retreating from it. It might mean risking vulnerability by admitting we don’t have it all together.

Interdependence doesn’t mean losing yourself in others. It means recognising that we are shaped, supported and sustained through relationships.

Laurie A. Watkins, a former policy advisor to President Barack Obama, wrote:

“We all need help sometimes. Financial, spiritual, emotional, and physical help are all aspects we may need to simply get through life. There is so much that we rely on others for without even asking: we get our mail delivered, our trash picked up, someone grows our food and cleans our water, etc. Therefore, it shouldn’t be seen as weak to ask for help when we already accept help daily without even asking.”

Redefining Strength: The Courage to Need Others

So there’s a considerable challenge. We need to redefine strength and challenge the myth of self-sufficiency. We need everyone to understand that real strength is not about how much you can carry alone, but about knowing when to share the load. When we reframe vulnerability as courage and connection as wisdom, we open the door to a richer, more sustainable way of living.

Real men share - which, having written this, I feel compelled to order bumper stickers!

In the end, the idea that we should be entirely self-sufficient doesn’t hold up—not scientifically, not historically, and not emotionally. What does hold up is the power of community, of shared burdens and mutual support. Humans are wired for connection, and our well-being depends on it. By challenging the idea that we must go it alone, we open ourselves up to deeper, more honest conversations about what it means to belong.

There is a growing recognition that men, like everyone else, need connection. Organisations such as The Man Cave in Australia are working to challenge these stereotypes and create spaces where men can talk openly about their experiences.

We must understand that interdependence is not the same as dependence. Being dependent implies an inability to function without another; being interdependent means recognising that our lives are enriched, stabilised and strengthened by mutual support. It means being capable, but not pretending to be invulnerable. Interdependence is not a flaw in the system. It is the system.

Whether you're a man navigating midlife, someone questioning the meaning of friendship, or anyone who has ever felt disconnected, the evidence is clear: needing others is not a weakness. It's a fundamental part of being human. We are not meant to do life alone. And we don’t need to pretend otherwise.

PS

Whilst not intentional, I realise that my article from last week, ‘Building Authentic Connections’, connects well with my thoughts on interdependence. It’s the fourth in a series of articles I’m writing in 2025 about ten qualities of a good human - dimensions of character to cultivate over a lifetime.

PPS

And yes, I really wanted to use an image of Daniel Craig in his cute bathing suit, but I doubt there’s a royalty-free one 🤣. However, you CAN search it.