The Power of Being Present: The Simple Habit That Can Change Your Life
Being present isn't about achieving some perfect state of Zen; it's about making small, conscious choices to engage fully with life.
This is the first in a series of articles about ten qualities of a good human - dimensions of character to cultivate over a lifetime.
I’ve had trouble sleeping recently. Getting to sleep is not the problem. It’s waking in the early hours and allowing thoughts to intrude. I replay conversations and relive previous stresses and worries.
My brain kicks into gear, the synapses start clicking, and I can become quite distressed. I say aloud, ‘Leave it alone’ or ‘Deal with it later’, a usually futile attempt to quieten the noise.
Sometimes, my brain slows, I evict the thoughts, and roll back to sleep after a short time. But more often, I’m awake for an hour or two. I’ll get up, make a sandwich (vegemite and cheese, if you need to know), potter around the house, and scroll pointless videos on my phone.
I’m an early riser. I’m often at the pool swimming laps by 6 a.m., so I’m waking to my alarm tired and counting the cups of coffee required to kick the day into motion.
Lately I’ve been exploring the ideas behind ‘being present’, and coming to realise that there’s a good reason people love meditation, for example, as a way of quietening the mind, allowing it to relax and decompress, to rest and reset.
I’ve never been good at sitting still. I know I have a short attention span, except when I don’t because I can also deep-dive and disappear into an activity for hours - writing computer code is something that I literally seem to move into a sub-space.
Recently, I’ve found that writing words sometimes leads to the same sub-space. I mostly write my Substack articles in my local cafe, where the merest incline of my head towards the barista delivers the next long black, and the hubbub of movement and conversation around me acts as white noise in the background.
I know I need to be cautious about my impatience. All too often, during an interaction with others, whether at work or outside the world, I can find my mind several minutes ahead of the people I am talking to. I become fidgety and, on rare occasions, will likely impolitely interrupt - an inexcusable assumption about my privilege.
Former US First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt is quoted as saying, "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That's why it's called the present." While that might sound like something from a Christmas cracker, those words have real wisdom. Being present - truly present - is a skill that can transform our relationships, improve our work, and even boost our overall well-being.
I’m currently sitting at my Mac, and emails, Slacks, texts, and alerts flow across my screen. We live in a world of endless notifications, to-do lists, and distractions. Being present is a powerful skill, but it's also one of the hardest things to master.
Why Being Present Matters
In an era when our attention is constantly being pulled in different directions, the ability to be fully engaged in the moment has become a rare and valuable skill. The benefits of presence stretch across all aspects of life, from deepening relationships to increasing productivity at work.
Psychologist Ellen Langer, often called the "mother of mindfulness," says: "When you're not in the present, you're not alive". And she has the research to back it up. Studies show that mindfulness – being present – reduces stress, improves focus, and enhances emotional intelligence.
At work, being present can make the difference between an average leader and an inspiring one. Have you ever sat through a meeting where someone was waiting their turn to speak but not given an opportunity because someone else is holding forth? Compare that to a conversation with someone who listens intently, asks meaningful questions, and responds with genuine engagement. The latter is not only more productive but also far more enjoyable. I’ve explored this further in a LinkedIn article about the power of listening in the workplace.
Outside of work, presence is just as critical. How often do we half-listen to a loved one while scrolling on our phones or mentally running through tomorrow's schedule? Thich Nhat Hanh, the late Buddhist monk and mindfulness teacher, once said, "The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention".
A Harvard study found that people's minds wander nearly 47% of the time. That means almost half of our waking hours are spent not fully experiencing what's in front of us. The same study found that a wandering mind is linked to lower happiness levels, highlighting the connection between presence and well-being.
The Science of Presence
The benefits of mindfulness aren't just philosophical – they're backed by scientific research.
Neuroscientist Sara Lazar and her team at Harvard Medical School have shown that regular meditation practice physically changes the brain. After just eight weeks of mindfulness practice, participants showed increased gray matter density in brain regions associated with learning, memory, and emotional regulation, while the amygdala (associated with stress and anxiety) showed decreased density.
Perhaps even more fascinating is how mindfulness affects what neuroscientists call the "default mode network" (DMN)—the brain regions that become active when our minds wander (like mine in the early hours). Research from Yale University shows that experienced meditators have decreased activity in the DMN, reducing the rumination and self-referential thinking that often contributes to anxiety and depression.
The physical effects of mindfulness extend beyond the brain. Mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) has been shown to reduce levels of cortisol, the body's primary stress hormone. A study published in Health Psychology found that mindfulness meditation training decreased the inflammatory response caused by psychological stress, with significant implications for chronic stress-related conditions.
Research by Nobel Prize-winning biologist Elizabeth Blackburn and health psychologist Elissa Epel suggests that chronic stress accelerates the shortening of telomeres – protective caps on chromosomes that naturally shorten with age. Their work indicates that mindfulness practices may help maintain telomere length, potentially slowing cellular aging.
At Pilates the other day, my instructor explained how regular Pilates and other forms of exercise literally result in your organs rearranging themselves. It’s no different to your mind; practice mindfulness, and you will reorganise your brain
As neuropsychologist Rick Hanson explains in his book ‘Hardwiring Happiness’: "The mind and the brain are a unified system. As your mind changes, your brain changes. And as your brain changes, your mind changes".
The Celebrity Stamp of Approval
Mindfulness and presence aren't just for monks and psychologists – they've made their way into the celebrity and political worlds too:
Oprah Winfrey swears by her mindfulness practice and credits it with keeping her grounded amid her high-pressure career.
Chris Hemsworth incorporates meditation and mindfulness into his daily routine to manage stress and stay present with his family.
Hugh Jackman is a vocal advocate for meditation, working with the David Lynch Foundation to bring mindfulness practices to more people.
A former British politician, Chris Ruane, has campaigned to bring mindfulness training into government, arguing that it could improve decision-making and reduce stress among policymakers. Given the current leadership in many countries, one wonders if they could even spell mindfulness, let alone practice it.
Whilst not celebrities (well not yet anyway), my children have been exposed to various personal development programs with a mindfulness emphasis during their schooling. Some parents I know have been disparaging, seeing these ‘soft skills’ crowding out the more academic programs. Still, I’d prefer my kids understand and practice mindfulness than how to solve quadratic equations.
Barriers to Being Present
If presence is so powerful, why is it so difficult? The answer is simple: modern life is designed to keep us distracted. Our attention is data; data is a currency, and tech companies, advertisers, and social media platforms are all vying for it. Every scroll, every click, every view - even just the act of opening an app - is logged, tracked and analysed. And the app developers are very good at constructing improvements to their software that keep us engaged for longer and longer periods. How often have you disappeared down a TikTok rabbit hole?
We're constantly multitasking, bouncing between emails, messages, and notifications – and as a result, we're rarely fully engaged with what's in front of us.
Psychologists have identified four main barriers to being present:
Technology Overload – Our phones are designed to keep us scrolling, often at the expense of real-life interactions.
Mental Chatter – Worrying about the past or future can make it hard to focus on the now.
Busyness Culture – Society often equates busyness with success, leaving little room for mindfulness.
Perfectionism – Over-focusing on outcomes instead of the process can pull us out of the present moment.
I am a victim of each of these.
I’m a technology company founder. I’m glued to my Mac and phone all day, often late at night. I need to be responsive virtually all day, every day. I’ve taken calls from customers at 6 a.m. and 8 p.m., and they call because it’s important.
As I opened this article, I’m a worrier in the middle of the early morning hours, impacting my sleep and cognitive capacity during the day.
I’ve fallen victim too often to the idea of being busy. I now push back on this. People who tell me they are too busy annoy me. We’re all busy; modern life has made us thus.
I can obsess over tiny details because I think they matter. I’m a stickler at work to ensure that presentations and documents are beautifully laid out, that the colours are on brand, and that everything lines up perfectly. I suspect some co-workers find this annoying.
One of the glorious benefits of growing up and living in Australia, especially during my younger years in Darwin and then living and working in Alice Springs, is the opportunity to learn about the amazing culture of the Aboriginal community. Australia loves to celebrate colonisation, but quite rightly, it needs to be pointed out that the Aboriginal people arrived here tens of thousands of years ago. Many in the community think our national Australia Day holiday should be retitled Invasion Day, and I don’t think they are wrong.
Aboriginal people have a wonderful connection to the land that has developed over 40,000+ years, and Westerners would do well to pay attention to this.
Indigenous Australian wisdom provides an insightful counterpoint to modern distraction. Dadirri, a concept from Aboriginal cultures, means "deep listening" - a practice of quiet, still awareness that fosters a profound connection to place, people, and the present moment. As activist and elder Miriam-Rose Ungunmerr-Baumann from the Miriam Rose Foundation explains, "Dadirri is inner, deep listening and quiet, still awareness. It is something like what you call contemplation".
I love this.
Presence in Relationships
The quality of our relationships is most dramatically affected by our ability to be present. It seems obvious, but couples who regularly practice ‘listening’ - deliberately turning towards each other -will invariably have a higher relationship success rate and stronger marital stability.
A reader of my Substack shared this insight about presence in relationships:
"What it brings up for me in the context of relationships (friends or closer) is Gottman's theory on 'bids for attention' - more info here at Gottman.com. For me being present is about trying to recognize and respond to those bids whenever they come in via whatever format. This applies to the virtual space as well. I have an old school friend who I chat with online - we haven't talked face to face in 20+ years but I still always respond when he texts me - even if it's just sending me goofy memes. We talk about deeper things too but the fact that we always respond to each other makes the relationship feel close."
This reader highlights something profound about presence - physical proximity and emotional responsiveness. Dr. John Gottman's research shows that these "bids for attention" can be as simple as a comment, question, or gesture seeking connection. How we respond to these bids - by turning toward, away from, or against them - can predict relationship success with remarkable accuracy.
In romantic relationships, mindful listening reduces defensive reactions during conflicts and increases empathic understanding. Emotional presence and connection are essential to manifesting and growing strong and secure relationships between people in relationships.
As children, we look to our parents for our emotional cues. My eldest child is nearly 28. She initially grew up without smartphones and social media. She was the cusp generation at the beginning of iPhones and Instagram. However, I recall her racking up enormous text message bills on her Sidekick.
Parents are told to worry about their kids’ screen time. But flip that round, and think of kids today watching their parents be glued to tablets and phones. I’d hate to believe those kids need to compete for their parents’ attention, to drag Mum and Dad away from their devices. How is this competition affecting parents’ connections to even young babies, who seek attention and are looking for a response?
Research shows that even the mere presence of a smartphone on the table (even face down) reduced the perceived quality of conversation and connection between people.
“...the researchers had Canadians eat a meal at a restaurant together with 3 to 5 friends or family members. Participants were randomly assigned into one of two groups: some placed their phones on the table, the others put their phones away during the meal. The participants and their friends or family then completed a survey after the meal. The researchers found that people rated the meal as less enjoyable and said they were more distracted when phones were present.”
I’ve written on LinkedIn about how leaders need to be present in their workplace:
“For me, the core of leadership is about showing up, being fully engaged, visible, and accountable, not just for the big moments but as a constant presence whether the team is facing challenges or triumphs.
That presence extends beyond the physical. With so much work now being virtual, it’s present across the various interaction channels - Slack, email, etc. - as well as in regular town halls and other video gatherings.
Your team needs to sense your presence throughout the day. They need to be confident of your constant engagement and participation. You might not be there physically, but your spirit needs to be discernable.”
How to Be More Present
The good news is that presence is a skill that can be cultivated. Here are some practical ways to develop it:
1. Practice Mindful Listening
Most of us listen to respond rather than listen to understand. Next time you're conversing, try giving the other person your full attention. Put your phone away, make eye contact, and truly absorb what they're saying. As Mother Teresa wisely said, "Be happy in the moment, that's enough. Each moment is all we need, not more".
2. Use Your Senses
One of the simplest ways to ground yourself in the present is to engage your senses. If you're feeling overwhelmed, try the "5-4-3-2-1 technique":
Name 5 things you can see
Identify 4 things you can touch
Recognise 3 things you can hear
Notice 2 things you can smell
Acknowledge 1 thing you can taste
This quick exercise can bring you back to the here and now.
3. Breathe
Deep breathing is one of the fastest ways to calm your mind and return to the present moment. Try the 4-7-8 breathing technique: inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7 seconds, and exhale for 8 seconds. It's a favorite among mindfulness practitioners and high-performing athletes - we practice something similar in my Pilates classes.
4. Limit Multitasking
Contrary to popular belief, multitasking doesn't make us more efficient – it just distracts us. Focus on completing one task at a time, whether writing an email, having a conversation, or cooking dinner.
5. Schedule Tech-Free Time
Try implementing "phone-free zones" in your home – at the dinner table, for example – or setting aside certain hours in the day for a digital detox. Even a short break from screens can significantly improve your ability to focus and be present.
When I asked my Substack readers for their thoughts on being present, one responded:
“One friend of mine takes a two-week digital detox every summer and swears it resets her brain, allowing her to reconnect with her own thoughts and rhythms.”
6. Try Meditation
You don't have to be a yogi to benefit from meditation. Sitting quietly and focusing on your breath for 5-10 minutes daily can train your mind to stay present.
Overcoming Common Obstacles to Presence
Even with the best intentions, developing a consistent practice of presence comes with challenges. Here's how to address some of the most common obstacles:
The Restless Mind
If you find your mind constantly racing, you're not alone. This is why I struggle to get back to sleep in the early hours. My mind fires up, most often with negative thoughts. We have thousands of thoughts a day, and many can be negative.
Rather than fighting against this natural tendency, try implementing the " noting " technique – simply acknowledging thoughts as they arise without judgment. Labelling these thoughts allows you to return your attention to the present.
Finding Time for Mindfulness
In our busy lives, finding 30 minutes for meditation can seem impossible. The solution? "Habit stacking" – pairing mindfulness with existing daily activities. Try practicing presence while:
Brushing your teeth
Waiting for coffee to brew
Walking from your car to your office
Standing in line at the supermarket
Cleaning the bathroom
Mindfulness is not that hard, ironically the main challenge is remembering to do it!
Dealing with Discomfort
When we first start practicing presence, we often become more aware of physical and emotional discomfort that we previously ignored. This can be discouraging. Psychologist and meditation teacher Tara Brach has written a book ‘Radical Compassion’, she recommends the RAIN technique:
Recognise what's happening
Allow the experience to be there
Investigate with kindness
Nurture with self-compassion
She has a great free guide you can download that I recommend you read.
“The fruit of RAIN is realizing that you are no longer imprisoned in or identified with any limiting sense of self. Give yourself the gift of becoming familiar with the truth and natural freedom of your being; it is mysterious and precious!”
The Consistency Challenge
New habits require consistent application. We all know that one repetition of anything is not sufficient to create a habit. We must be deliberate and diligent, and the best way is to ease into a new pattern without trying to climb a mountain before we’ve learnt to walk.
I went back to lap swimming two years ago after decades of not being in a pool. Those first few weeks were tough; it is only a 25-meter pool, but I needed a rest after each lap. Nowadays I bounce (well, maybe an overstatement) out of bed in the early morning and knock out a kilometer before breakfast. I can feel how my body has changed; my chest and shoulders have grown, and I am so much stronger. But gee it took time, and I’m glad I plugged away.
So start small and build. Pick a day, a time, and even a friend to share the experience. Like me going back to the pool, the new habit will feel foreign and even hurt a little, but consistency is key, and each repetition incrementally will improve your practice.
Start with just 2-3 minutes daily.
Set a specific time and place.
Use visual reminders.
Track your progress.
Find a friend or join a community that will mutually support you.
"I'm Doing It Wrong" Syndrome
Many beginners get discouraged because they believe they're "bad at mindfulness" when their mind wanders. This perfectionism misses the point entirely.
Remember that mindfulness isn't about achieving a perfect state – it's about continuously returning to the present moment, regardless of how often you are distracted.
The Gift of Now
Being present isn't about achieving some perfect state of Zen; it's about making small, conscious choices to engage fully with life. Whether it's putting your phone down during conversations, taking a deep breath before a stressful meeting, or simply appreciating the moment you're in, presence is a habit that can enrich every aspect of your life.
As I continue my journey with presence, those restless early morning hours have become less frequent. When my mind starts racing at 3 AM, I now have tools to bring myself back—breathing, noting my thoughts without judgment, and sometimes just accepting that this moment, even if uncomfortable, is where I am.
Like my swimming practice, which gradually built strength and endurance, my mindfulness practice builds slowly. As Eleanor Roosevelt wisely noted about the present being a gift, perhaps the real gift isn't just being in the moment but the gradual realisation that we always can return to it, no matter how far we've wandered. Choosing presence might be the most radical and rewarding self-care we can practice in a world designed to fragment our attention.