The Quiet Power of True Confidence
Quiet confidence offers an alternative - a way of being that prioritises substance over style, depth over display, and connection over competition.
This is the seventh in a series of articles about ten qualities of a good human - dimensions of character to cultivate over a lifetime.
In a world where social media rewards the loudest voices and self-promotion often masquerades as self-assurance, genuine confidence has become increasingly rare and infinitely more valuable.
True confidence doesn't need to announce itself. It doesn't require validation from others or constant reinforcement through external achievements. As authors Katty Kay and Claire Shipman observe in "The Confidence Code," "Confidence is the purity of action produced by a mind free of doubt." This freedom from doubt creates space for genuine engagement with the world around us.
When we feel secure in ourselves, we can focus outward rather than inward. We can listen without preparing our response, engage without calculating the impression we're making, and connect without constantly monitoring our performance. This shift from self-protection to genuine presence is where real connection begins.
The challenge for many of us, particularly men who've been socialised to equate strength with stoicism, is learning to distinguish between healthy confidence and the brittle shell of arrogance that often develops when we feel threatened or inadequate.
I’ve been reading Katty Kay and Claire Shipman’s book ‘The Confidence Code - The Science and Art of Self-Assurance - What Women Should Know’. Whilst their initial thesis focuses on the difference in ‘confidence’ between women and men, the book is actually much broader, examining confidence as a trait across the population.
They illustrate, using data and research, how women typically exhibit less confidence than men, even women in the highest and most prominent roles, such as the Chair of the International Monetary Fund. Christine Lagarde, arguably one of the most powerful people in the world, says she still worries about being caught off guard, so she prepares obsessively and comprehensively for each meeting:
“There are moments where I have to sort of go deep inside myself and pull my strength, confidence, background, history, experience and all the rest of it, to assert a particular point.”
Legarde has learnt that authentic confidence isn't built on wishful thinking or positive affirmations. It emerges from competence - the hard-won knowledge that you can handle what life throws at you. This doesn't mean being perfect or having all the answers. It means developing skills, facing challenges, and learning from both successes and failures.
The Foundation of Authentic Confidence
Kay and Shipman emphasise this point:
"Gaining confidence means getting outside your comfort zone, experiencing setbacks, and, with determination, picking yourself up again."
This process of building competence through action, rather than through thought alone, creates what psychologists call "self-efficacy" - the belief that you can influence the outcomes in your life.
For men especially, this distinction matters. [The Myth of Self-Sufficiency] explored how traditional masculinity often equates strength with independence, but true confidence requires something more nuanced. It requires the wisdom to know when you're capable and when you need help, when to lead and when to follow, when to speak and when to listen.
Competence isn't about knowing everything; it's about being resourceful, adaptable, and honest about your limitations. It's the difference between a man who refuses to ask for directions and one who confidently seeks guidance when needed.
The Science Behind Confidence: Nature and Nurture
Kay and Shipman’s research takes them to speak with geneticists, who have been working to determine if there is a ‘confidence’ gene. The answer is, probably yes, in that some people have a genetic disposition, it would seem, to be more confident than others.
For example, those people who have the gene that promotes higher levels of serotonin are more likely to exhibit confidence. It’s tied to being more naturally resilient, which is a key criterion for confidence. Serotonin has a significant impact on mood - it’s what makes Prozac and other similar medications work so well.
Research in twins has shown that identical twins often share the same confidence levels, whilst fraternal twins may not.
You can naturally be more confident, courtesy of your genes. But nurture also plays a significant role. If you are raised by a less confident parent, even if you have the ‘confidence genes’, you are less likely to be confident. Conversely, if you have less of the ‘confidence genes’ yet are raised by someone who has good confidence levels, you are also more likely to be confident.
I think it’s important to point out that just because you are confident doesn’t mean you have it all worked out. But what it does mean is you are more likely to be comfortable with imperfection. Confident people don't pretend to have it all figured out. They acknowledge mistakes, learn from failures, and continue moving forward without the paralysing need to appear flawless.
As Kay and Shipman discovered in their research,
"If you are aiming to be perfect, you will never be confident."
The pursuit of perfection is the enemy of both confidence and connection. It keeps us trapped in performance mode, always calculating risks and managing impressions rather than engaging authentically with life.
Vulnerability as Strength: Confidence and Connection
This insight is particularly relevant for those of us who've struggled with loneliness or social isolation. Often, our withdrawal from connection stems not from a lack of desire for relationship, but from a fear that we won't measure up, that others will discover our imperfections and find us wanting.
Yet it's precisely our imperfections that make us human and relatable. As activist and researcher Brené Brown puts it:
"Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our greatest measure of courage."
True confidence includes the courage to be seen as we are, flaws and all - confidence is a partner of humility.
This has profound implications for how we build and maintain relationships. Instead of viewing others as potential threats to our status or sources of validation for our worth, we can engage with them as fellow travellers on the journey, each bringing unique gifts and facing particular challenges.
One of the most beautiful expressions of genuine confidence is the ability to celebrate others' successes without feeling threatened. When we're secure in our own worth, another person's achievement doesn't diminish us - it enriches the community we're part of.
This capacity for generous engagement is particularly important in friendship and romantic relationships. I’ve written about Building Authentic Connections, exploring how genuine relationships require the ability to be genuinely happy for others, to offer support without keeping score, and to receive help without feeling diminished.
Kay and Shipman note that
"Women tend to be more confident when they focus on others instead of themselves."
This insight applies beyond gender - when we shift our attention from self-protection to service, from impression management to genuine care, we often find the confidence we were seeking all along.
The good news is we can build confidence, even if we didn’t emerge into the world with the ‘confidence genes’ overflowing. Kay and Shipman delve into brain plasticity:
“When we change our thinking and develop new mental habits, that effort creates physical changes in our brains.
Plasticity is the cornerstone of the idea that confidence is a choice we can all make”.
We know our brains remain plastic from birth to death - so it’s never too late to learn something new, to rewire ourselves. Cognitive behavioural therapy is really effective, even in the tiniest doses, to trigger the rewiring:
“CBT aims to show you how your thinking affects your mood. It teaches you to think in a less negative way about yourself and your life. It is based on the understanding that thinking negatively is a habit that, like any other habit, can be broken.”
Building Confidence Through Daily Practice
Building genuine confidence is less about grand gestures and more about small, consistent practices. It involves:
Choosing action over analysis. Confidence is built through doing, not thinking. Every time we act despite uncertainty, we strengthen our confidence muscle. As the authors of "The Confidence Code" emphasise, "By taking action, we create confidence. We feel confidence based on what we've done."
Embracing useful failure. Not all failures are created equal. Useful failures are those that teach us something valuable, stretch our capabilities, or move us closer to our goals. Confident people don't avoid failure; they cultivate the ability to fail well.
Practising self-compassion. How we talk to ourselves matters enormously. Confident people extend the same kindness to themselves that they would offer a good friend facing similar challenges. As Kay notes, "Self-compassion = treating yourself as you would treat a friend."
Seeking feedback, not validation. There's a crucial difference between seeking feedback to improve and seeking validation to feel worthy. Confident people can handle constructive criticism because their sense of worth isn't dependent on being perfect.
Aboriginal wisdom reminds us of another path to confidence: "The more you know, the less you need." This understanding suggests that true confidence comes not from accumulating more, but from developing deeper self-knowledge and a stronger connection to what matters most.
When we embody quiet confidence rather than loud insecurity, we create space for others to do the same. Our comfort with imperfection permits others to be human. Our focus on growth rather than image encourages others to take risks and learn. Our generous response to others' successes models a way of being that strengthens rather than threatens community.
This matters profoundly in an age of increasing isolation and performative authenticity. My article Living Truthfully in a Performative World examined how our culture's emphasis on personal branding can make genuine connections more difficult. Quiet confidence offers an alternative - a way of being that prioritises substance over style, depth over display, and connection over competition.
As we continue to explore what it means to live authentically in an age of increasing disconnection, remembering that confidence is indeed silent might be one of the most powerful tools we have for building the genuine connections we all crave.
The question isn't whether we have enough confidence to succeed in a noisy world. The question is whether we have enough courage to be quietly, authentically ourselves in a world that often rewards performance over presence. That courage, it turns out, might be the most confident thing of all.
What does quiet confidence look like in your own life? Where have you noticed the difference between genuine self-assurance and its louder, less secure cousins?