Why don't we ask for help when we're lonely?
Asking for help is not a sign of weakness but an affirmation of our humanity and our intrinsic need for connection.
I have a track record of being rubbish at asking for help. More than one friend has pointed this out to me recently. My instinct was to go it alone (and you wondered where Alone Rangers came from!).. I’ve never really questioned why this is my default reaction.
I’ve reflected recently and I think it’s a combination of:
I didn’t have the language or know how to ask.
I didn’t know who to ask.
I was scared to ask if someone said no because I had misjudged our relationship.
Interestingly, my counterbalance is I’m an inveterate volunteer, both formally and informally. I spent nearly 10 years as a family support volunteer in the ED at the Royal Children’s Hospital in Melbourne, and of course, I took on the least popular shift - through midnight on a Sunday. I’ve helped out on several events and festivals in recent times. If I hear of someone moving house, I’ll offer to assist - despite not asking anyone to help me last year when I was moving.
Reaching out for support can feel insurmountable when it envelops us. Despite our innate social nature, many of us hesitate to seek help during periods of isolation. This reluctance is often rooted in a complex interplay of pride, fear of rejection, societal stigma, and personal vulnerability.
Loneliness is centered around emotional and social isolation, and diminishes our capacity to ask for help. We have self-doubt, lower self-esteem, and reaching out seems daunting.
Stanford social psychologist Xuan Zhao says asking for help is hard, but we need to realise that others want to help more than we often give them credit for:
“When people are in need of help, they are often caught up in their own concerns and worries and do not fully recognize the prosocial motivations of those around them who are ready to help. This can introduce a persistent difference between how help-seekers and potential helpers consider the same helping event.”
Of course, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. The reluctance to seek help can perpetuate social isolation. We may withdraw from social interactions, fearing that our struggles will burden others or that we will not receive the understanding they need. This isolation can lead to a lack of social support, which is crucial for maintaining mental health and well-being, especially during challenging times.
Understanding our personality can enhance social engagement strategies. For instance, introverts may prefer deeper one-on-one conversations, while extroverts might thrive in larger social gatherings. Acknowledging these differences allows us to tailor our approaches to building connections authentically and comfortably.
What might prevent us from asking for help?
Pride
Pride can serve as a double-edged sword. On one hand, it fosters self-respect and independence; on the other, it can hinder vulnerability. Admitting loneliness or needing help may be perceived as a weakness, conflicting with societal ideals of self-reliance. This internalised belief can prevent us from acknowledging our struggles, thereby perpetuating isolation.
Fear of Rejection
The anticipation of rejection is a powerful deterrent to seeking help. Social rejection impacts our emotional state and threatens the fundamental human need for belonging. This fear can lead to avoidance behaviors, where we refrain from reaching out to protect ourselves from potential hurt, thus deepening our loneliness. The empathy gap suggests that we may struggle to accurately predict others' emotional states and reactions, potentially leading us to underestimate others' willingness to help. Research by Xuan Zhao and others shows that people underestimate by up to 50% the likelihood that others will agree to simple requests for assistance.
Societal Stigma
Loneliness carries a stigma that discourages open discussion. Admitting to feeling lonely can be associated with personal failure or social undesirability. This stigma is so pervasive that even discussing loneliness can evoke discomfort and shame, further silencing us.
Vulnerability
Asking for help necessitates vulnerability, which can be uncomfortable. It requires us to expose our innermost feelings and admit our needs, challenging the facade of control we may present to the world. This exposure can be intimidating, leading us to choose solitude over the perceived risk of vulnerability.
Breaking the Silence: The Power of Asking for Help
Despite these barriers, seeking help is a courageous act that can alleviate loneliness and foster deeper connections. We must recognise that vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness, and this is a crucial step toward overcoming isolation.
Public figures have begun to shed light on their own experiences with loneliness, challenging the associated stigma. For instance, Angelina Jolie has openly discussed her loneliness, emphasising the importance of family and connection. Similarly, Cher revealed contemplating suicide during a period of profound loneliness, highlighting the deep impact isolation can have.
"I stepped barefoot onto the balcony of our suite and stared down," she continues. "I was dizzy with loneliness. I saw how easy it would be to step over the edge and simply disappear. For a few crazy minutes I couldn't imagine any other option. I did this five or six times, and each time I'd think about Chas, my mother, about my sister, about everybody and how things like this could make people who look up to me feel that it's a viable solution, and I would step back inside."
When prominent people are confident enough to make such admissions, it helps normalise conversations about loneliness and encourages others to seek support.
Technology
Technology is pivotal in shaping how individuals experience and cope with loneliness. Digital platforms and social media have transformed social interaction, enabling people to connect across cultures and geographical boundaries. In Western countries, platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok offer users a sense of virtual community. At the same time, messaging apps such as WhatsApp and WeChat are essential for maintaining connections in other regions.
Despite technology's advantages in combating loneliness, there are challenges associated with its use. The virtual nature of digital interactions can sometimes lead to feelings of isolation, mainly when individuals substitute online communication for face-to-face connections.
Additionally, the proliferation of misinformation and potential harm in digital spaces necessitates caution and critical engagement with online resources.
How Can You Help Yourself Ask for Help?
Acknowledge Your Feelings: Recognize and accept your emotions without judgment. Understanding that loneliness is a common human experience can reduce self-blame.
Identify Trusted Individuals: Reach out to friends, family members, or colleagues who have shown empathy and understanding in the past.
Start Small: Share minor concerns or feelings to build confidence in expressing vulnerability.
Utilise Support Groups: Engage with communities or support groups where individuals share similar experiences. This can provide a sense of belonging and understanding.
Seek Professional Help: Consult mental health professionals who can offer guidance and coping strategies tailored to your situation.
While the barriers to seeking help when lonely are substantial, they are not insurmountable. You can take proactive steps toward connection by understanding the underlying fears and societal pressures that discourage reaching out.
Embracing vulnerability, challenging stigma, and recognising the shared nature of loneliness can pave the way for deeper, more fulfilling relationships. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness but an affirmation of our humanity and our intrinsic need for connection.