Knowledge Speaks, but Wisdom Listens: The Art of Listening

To listen deeply is not just an act of kindness—it’s an act of courage. It requires us to set aside our egos, embrace vulnerability, and open ourselves to others’ truths.

At 54, I realised I had been lonely my whole life. So, today, I write to explore loneliness, connection, and the complexities of modern relationships through personal stories, reflection, and practical insights.

This is the second in a series of articles about ten qualities of a good human - dimensions of character to cultivate over a lifetime.

Learning when to shut the f*&ck up has taken me a long time. Because, holy moly, there’s much talking happening in the world. We live in an age of unprecedented communication. Every man and her dog has a podcast. Social media platforms give us endless opportunities to broadcast our thoughts in a bottomless pit of reels and stories. But in a world where everyone is talking, who's listening? How many of us feel heard and understood? If we are not, then we feel disconnected and more alone.

"The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood", wrote Ralph Nichols, often called the father of the field of listening. This observation feels particularly poignant today, when we're drowning in words but starving for understanding.

I've been thinking about this paradox lately. How can we be so connected yet feel so disconnected? The answer is stupidly obvious: we all need to listen more. While speaking projects our thoughts into the world, it is through listening that we truly engage with the essence of others. And I don’t mean passively listening, half paying attention and nodding our heads occasionally whilst itching for a chance to interject. Listening should be an active stance, practiced with presence and intention.

There’s so much noise in the world; the ability to listen well has become rare and invaluable, yet mastering the art of listening is essential for connection and belonging.

Beyond Passive Hearing

Most of us believe we're good listeners. We nod at the right moments, maintain eye contact, and wait our turn to speak. But are we truly listening, or are we just hearing? This is where my natural impatience kicks in. I know I tend to become frustrated quickly when listening to someone talk. My mind is usually ahead in the future, waiting for the other person to catch up. I’m already formulating my response before the other person has finished speaking.

So my attention drifts, and I lose track of the words I’m hearing. I need to monitor this tendency because listening requires energy, attention, and, most importantly, intention. You need to tune into the emotional frequency, the meaning beneath the words, the intention, and the context.

Hearing is passive. Listening is not. It demands focus and engagement. You must understand what is being said—and sometimes read between the lines for what is unspoken.

Active listening requires you to:

1. Give undivided attention - put your phone down and close your laptop, and resist the temptation to compile shopping lists

2. Repeating back or paraphrasing to demonstrate you have correctly heard and understood what is being said.

3. Asking open-ended questions to open the dialogue further - there’s nothing more frustrating than feeling like you are pulling teeth when the other person responds with simple yes or no answers.

Simon Sinek aptly puts it: “Listening is not understanding the words of the question asked; listening is understanding why the question was asked in the first place.” It's about delving into the meaning behind words and fostering a space of mutual respect and comprehension.

The Silent Language of Listening

Various studies suggest that 90% of all communication is nonverbal.

“The 90% figure wasn’t plucked out of thin air. It was Albert Mehrabian, a researcher of body language, who first broke down the components of a face-to-face conversation. He found that communication is 55% nonverbal, 38% vocal, and 7% words only. This is where the idea that the vast majority of communication is nonverbal originated, but does this really mean that less than 10% of information is conveyed in spoken words?”

Of course, when we focus only on words, we miss most of what's being expressed. How words are said is just as important as the words themselves; the non-verbal cues are crucial.

When asked how we are, we often reflexively respond, “I’m fine.” Yet this can mean radically different things depending on tone, facial expression, and body language—contentment, anger, sadness, or resignation.

To listen deeply, we need to pay attention to:

• Tone of voice (Is it strained? Relaxed? Rising? Falling?)

• Facial expressions (What do the eyes reveal? The mouth? The forehead?)

• Body language (Are arms crossed? Are shoulders hunched? Is posture open or closed?)

• Pace (Are they speaking quickly or slowly? Are there long pauses?)

• What remains unsaid (What topics are being avoided? What questions go unanswered?)

Keanu Reeves once observed, "The simple act of paying attention can take you a long way." (And yes, when I grow up, I want to be Keanu!)

One of my readers wisely noted that paying attention to nonverbal cues is particularly important when connecting with those who may communicate differently: "If I have students who are neurodivergent, I try to sit next to them rather than in front of them." This minor adjustment - shifting physical positioning - can make all the difference in creating a comfortable space for authentic communication.

Non-verbal communication can include:

1. Eye contact: Maintaining eye contact signals attentiveness but should be balanced to avoid making the speaker uncomfortable.

2. Mirroring body language: Reflecting the speaker’s posture or gestures can create a sense of empathy and understanding.

3. Nods and small smiles affirm that you’re engaged without interrupting the flow of conversation.

However, it’s important to note cultural nuances. For instance, while direct eye contact might be seen as respectful in some cultures, it could be perceived as confrontational in others.

Suspending Judgment

The most significant barrier to authentic listening is our tendency to judge what we hear.

We filter everything through our own experiences, biases, and assumptions. We categorise statements as right or wrong, sensible or foolish, agreeable or offensive—often before the speaker has even finished their thought.

"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply", observed Stephen Covey in his influential book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People." This habit of evaluative listening prevents us from truly hearing what others are trying to communicate.

The antidote is what psychologists call "suspending judgment" - temporarily setting aside our perspectives to make room for another's. This doesn't mean we abandon our values or critical thinking. It simply means we create space to understand before we evaluate fully.

Think of it as the difference between a debate and a dialogue. In a debate, we listen for weaknesses in the other's position so we can counter them. In a dialogue, we listen for strengths—for what might be true, valuable, or insightful in what they're saying.

Former President Barack Obama, known for his ability to engage with diverse perspectives, said,

Most of us prefer to surround ourselves with opinions that validate what we already believe. You notice the people who you think are smart are the people who agree with you. Funny how that works. But democracy demands that we’re able also to get inside the reality of people who are different than us so we can understand their point of view. Maybe we can change their minds, but maybe they’ll change ours. And you can’t do this if you just out of hand disregard what your opponents have to say from the start. And you can’t do it if you insist that those who aren’t like you — because they’re white, or because they’re male — that somehow there’s no way they can understand what I’m feeling, that somehow they lack standing to speak on certain matters.

This suspension of judgment requires humility - recognising that our perspective is limited, that we don't have all the answers, and that we might learn something from someone else.

Suspending judgment doesn’t mean agreeing with everything someone says—it means creating space for their perspective to exist alongside your own. This practice can be particularly challenging in emotionally charged or contentious conversations but is crucial for building trust.

The Empathy Bridge

Something remarkable happens when we listen without judgment: We begin to feel what others feel. Empathy is the bridge that connects disparate experiences. In difficult dialogues, practicing empathetic listening involves acknowledging the speaker's feelings without immediately offering solutions or interjecting personal opinions. This approach validates the speaker's emotions and paves the way for constructive and compassionate exchanges.

Empathetic listening involves asking ourselves: What might this person be feeling? What needs might they be expressing? What fears or hopes might be driving their words?

Researcher Brené Brown, who has studied vulnerability and connection for decades, defines empathy as "feeling with people." She contrasts this with sympathy, which is "feeling for people." The difference is crucial. Sympathy maintains distance; empathy closes it.

Brown explains that empathy rarely starts with the words "at least," as in "At least you have other children" or "At least you had him for as long as you did." While well-intentioned, those statements disconnect us from the other person's pain.

Instead, empathy might begin with: "I don't even know what to say, but I'm so glad you told me." Or: "That sounds hard. I'm here with you."

This kind of presence—being fully with another person in their experience—is astonishingly rare and profoundly healing.

As the Dalai Lama has said, "When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new."

Listening When It's Hard

It's relatively easy to listen when the stakes are low and the conversation is pleasant. But what about when tensions rise, opinions clash, or emotions run hot? These are precisely the moments when listening becomes most important—and most difficult.

Amanda Ripley is a journalist who has explored how deep listening can transform even the most entrenched disputes. She profiles mediators who work in seemingly impossible situations—gang conflicts, divorce battles, political standoffs—and find ways to create understanding.

Mediators use a practice called looping:

“a seemingly simple idea where after someone tells you something, you repeat what they said in the most eloquent wording you can use, and then ask that person if what was repeated was correct.”

“When people feel heard, they act differently. “They say less extreme things afterward...and they open up to information they maybe didn’t want to hear. So, think about how that’s going to change everything else that happens afterward. If you need to solve a problem together, if you need information from this person, if you need this person to admit some mistake that they’ve made—anything at all is going to be more effective if the person feels heard first.”

We can practice this skill in our own challenging conversations by using phrases like:

• "Let me see if I understand you correctly..."

• "What I'm hearing is..."

• "So, from your perspective..."

This doesn't mean we have to agree with everything we hear. But it does mean we commit to understanding it.

Clean Language

I read ‘Clean Language’ a few years ago and bought copies for my team members. Developed by New Zealand-born psychotherapist David Grove in the 1980s, Clean Language is a communication methodology designed to help individuals explore their thoughts and feelings without influencing the listener's assumptions or interpretations. Grove observed that clients often used metaphors to describe their experiences and devised a set of neutral, open-ended questions to help them delve deeper into their symbolic language. This approach is particularly effective in therapeutic settings, coaching, and business communications, fostering clarity and self-discovery.

Clean Language incorporates a communication technique involving actively listening to others and using their words to explore the conversation topic. The ‘clean’ part also refers to avoiding language that adopts assumptions or suggestions, avoiding metaphors, and instead focusing on precision in understanding. The intent is a form of deeply respectful and non-directive listening, enabling individuals to access and articulate their inner experiences more fully.

In practice, using Clean Language can seem clumsy, and it took me some time to adapt to its methodology. For example, someone might say, "I feel like I'm carrying the world's weight on my shoulders." A natural response might be, "That sounds tough. Have you considered taking a break?" While well-intentioned, this response introduces the listener's perspective and potential solutions.

In contrast, a Clean Language approach would involve asking, "And what kind of weight is that weight?" This question invites the speaker to explore their metaphor further, potentially uncovering deeper insights into their feelings and experiences.

Integrating Clean Language techniques into active listening enhances listeners' ability to remain neutral and fully present. By focusing on the speaker's exact words and metaphors, the listener encourages self-exploration and understanding without imposing their personal interpretations.

Heard and Understood

I’ve been wondering about the space between loneliness and connection and how listening is at least part of the bridge that spans the gap. In a couple of recent interactions, another person complimented me on how I listened to them - a new experience for me and, I hope, a new signpost along my journey. Superficial interactions, poor or passive listening, and an inability to go deeper in thought and conversation inhibit building strong connections with those around us.

When we feel deeply heard, we feel less alone. When we deeply hear others, we connect in ways that transcend the superficial.

Listening is a skill to be practiced and a capacity that can grow as we grow. As we accumulate our own experiences of joy and sorrow, success and failure, love and loss, we become better equipped to understand the experiences of others.

As I approach 60, perhaps this is one of the unexpected gifts of midlife - an expanded capacity for empathy, understanding, and deep listening. However, I have met people half my age who are also excellent listeners.

In a world of noise, truly listening becomes a profound gift—to others and ourselves. By honing the art of listening, we enrich our relationships and embark on continuous learning and understanding. As we navigate the complexities of human connection, let us remember that sometimes, the most impactful dialogues are those where we listen more than speak.

Listening fosters connection in a world where many feel isolated. It bridges divides by creating space for empathy and understanding.

As Jimi Hendrix once said: *“Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.” To listen deeply is not just an act of kindness—it’s an act of courage. It requires us to set aside our egos, embrace vulnerability, and open ourselves to others’ truths.

Remember, listening isn’t about fixing problems or offering solutions—it’s about being present for another person in their moment of need. And sometimes, that’s enough.

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Read the first in the series