Loneliness at the end of long-term relationships

The end of a long-term relationship can be a profoundly challenging experience, and it often leads to feelings of loneliness and isolation for one or both parties involved.

I emerged from a 23-year relationship almost five years ago. The end of a long-term relationship can be a profoundly challenging experience, and it often leads to feelings of loneliness and isolation for one or both parties involved. 

Suddenly being alone after nearly a quarter century is a profound experience; if, like me, you have children in the relationship, inevitably, your social life revolves around the parents of your children’s friends - from school, sports and the myriad of other activities our kids become involved with. 

Now, you are flying solo in a sea of ostensibly happy couples. The other parents are faced with the unenviable choice of Solomon - who to stay friends with. Not wanting to choose sides, most often, they choose nobody, and so your social invitations dry up - new years, birthdays, casual ‘come over for a BBQ’.

You are afloat in a sea of changed social dynamics, making social interactions awkward or strained, thus contributing to feelings of isolation. I know that my emotional turmoil made me less inclined to engage in social activities, exacerbating my loneliness. I wasn’t brave enough to re-engage with ‘family friends’ for fear of rejection or stigmatisation - I felt isolated and without human connection.

Breakups are common. In Australia, the median duration of marriage before separation is around 8.3 years, and before divorce, it is about 12.3 years, according to 2019 ABS data. Our 23 years were a long haul compared to most. In 2019, the median age for divorce was 45.9 years for males and 43.0 years for females. About 47% of divorces in 2019 involved children under 18 years old. That’s a considerable number of middle-aged, often parents with younger or teenage children, now faced with starting new lives whilst still co-parenting.

The COVID-19 pandemic had a significant impact on relationships around the world, including relationship breakups. The stress and strain of the pandemic created numerous challenges for couples, including financial pressure, health concerns, the stress of home-schooling children, and the intensity of spending extended periods in close quarters during lockdowns.

Many couples experienced heightened tensions due to differing views on safety and precautions around the virus, which sometimes led to discord. The lack of personal space and time apart, which can be healthy for relationships, was severely limited. This environment, unfortunately, contributed to the breakdown of some relationships.

Conversely, some relationships were strengthened as couples navigated the pandemic together, finding new ways to connect and support each other. The impact of COVID-19 on relationships varied widely depending on individual circumstances, but it undoubtedly played a significant role in the dynamics of many partnerships.

“A survey carried out in Australia last year [2021] by amica, an app designed by family lawyers to help guide couples through the process of separation, found that one in five couples blame the pandemic for ruining their relationships. Federal Circuit Court statistics revealed that a record 49,625 couples filed for divorce during 2020/2021 – an 8% increase in just 12 months.“

We are not deterred from repeating the relationship cycle. Remarriage rates vary, but about one-third of marriages involve at least one partner who has been married previously.

These are divorce statistics, and with societal attitudes towards marriage and long-term relationships not necessarily dependent on actually officially marrying, it means the statistics are potentially understated - we never married, so ur breakup would not count in the divorce statistics.

There are many emotional challenges to be faced after the breakup of a relationship. You’ve lost your primary emotional support, so feelings of vulnerability and loneliness are understandable. Long-term relationships often contribute to our sense of identity. The end of such a relationship can leave one feeling lost, and this loss of identity can contribute to feelings of loneliness. There can be an increased risk of depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues that can result from the loneliness and stress of the breakup.

The longer a relationship, the more intertwined the emotional bonds; each year under your belt can increase the heaviness of the emotional toll, perhaps a sense of failure or guilt for not being able to make the relationship work, adding to your emotional burden. These strong emotions, if not fully and adequately resolved, can impact building trust in a new relationship.

The ramifications of a breakup are endless, and all contribute often to a feeling of loneliness and isolation.

Emotional distress and loneliness can disrupt sleep patterns. I’ve never been one to sleep long hours, but I was sleeping even less after my breakup. Sometimes, I struggled to clear my mind and let sleep come. Other nights, I’d wake in the early hours with thoughts churning through my mind, reexamining and replaying episodes from my life, seeking to reinterpret and relive how I might have handled situations and interactions differently.

Some people neglect their physical well-being when coping with the end of a long-term relationship, which can further contribute to feelings of isolation and loneliness. This was most certainly the case for me, exacerbated by a year later enduring the extended COVID lockdowns in Melbourne. I gained weight, as I did not exercise regularly. 

I’m grateful that, in recent times, I have found the resolve to reverse this. Over the past year, I have lost 12kg, I have a good exercise routine combining walking, swimming and pilates, and I am fitter and stronger than I have been in at least a decade or more. The gratification comes through people remarking on my changed body shape and look of vitality.

Of course, a couple can share the financial burden of life. Apart from that, you each need a place to live, a car to drive, two sets of furniture and pots and pans. The end of a long-term relationship often means a change in living situations, which can contribute to feelings of instability and isolation. The cost of living alone can be significantly higher, causing additional stress that compounds feelings of loneliness.

You might have to assume responsibilities your spouse usually took care of, such as finances or running the household, which can be isolating and overwhelming. My Dad was old school, and my Mum always looked after the house, the money and the bulk of the child-rearing. He never cooked, well, apart from one time shortly after he retired, but Mum was still working part-time. He called to announce triumphantly he had baked packet mix muffins. It’s the only time I can ever recall him cooking anything. Even tea and coffee - at work, he had a secretary for that; at home, he had Mum.

Some couples continue to share a home, even though they are separated, because the cost of living is simply too great to live individually. Clearly, this is not tenable when domestic violence is involved, potentially leaving a partner between a rock and a hard place. These arrangments are on rise:

“National figures from Services Australia show a 47 per cent rise in the number of clients who are “separated under one roof” since 2018, when there were 37,710 clients in that position. The numbers also climbed 4 per cent in the past year.”

Another trend is birdnesting:

“‘Birdnesting’ or ‘nesting’ is a way of living that enables children to remain in the family home and spend time with each parent there. Each legal guardian stays at the home during their agreed custody time, then elsewhere when they’re ‘off duty’. The concept gets its name from bird parents, who keep their chicks safe in a nest and alternately fly in and out to care for them.”

“Although still a relatively unknown concept globally, nesting seems to be on the rise in Western countries, largely among middle-class families. Divorce lawyers have reported an increase in birdnesting in places including the US, Australia and The Netherlands. A recent UK study by Coop Legal Services suggested that 11% of divorced or separated parents have tried it. In Sweden, where equally shared child custody has been commonplace for decades, some divorced parents have rotated homes as far back as the 1970s.”

Other ramifications include battling financial settlements, asset divisions and child custody arrangements. Divorce can have a significant impact on retirement plans that are based on dual income and assets. Older people may have health issues that make living alone not just lonely but also logistically challenging. Who will take care of you when infirmities emerge?

For older adults, the end of a long-term relationship can bring fears of spending old age alone, adding another layer of loneliness. If you believe your only option is to find another partner,  the prospect of facing retirement years alone can be daunting.

Interestingly, I’ve found myself, over the past year or so, gradually revisiting my life goals. Today, I don’t automatically envisage an old age with two of us sitting in rocking chairs on the veranda sipping tea. I doubt I will be alone, but I’m not convinced I’ll adhere to the conventional scenario. I’m already making plans beyond my current professional life that don’t involve full-time work and capture my desire to be more creative and mindful.

What might be surprising to people focussed on monogamous relationships is that they may be only a bare majority.

“In a national survey conducted by data analytics firm YouGov in 2020, only 56 percent cited complete monogamy as their ideal relationship style, a 5 percent drop from 2016. An estimated 23 percent of respondents said their relationships were already non-monogamous, echoing breakthrough 2017 research published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, which found that more than one in five single Americans in their study had tried consensual non-monogamy. “

The challenges faced at the end of a long relationship often require comprehensive solutions involving legal advice, psychological support, and often the re-evaluation of one's life goals and plans. It's usually a difficult period, but many people do manage to find a way through it and to build new, fulfilling lives. In the words of Marilyn Monroe, "Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.".

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"The soul that sees beauty may sometimes walk alone." — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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Next time: Loneliness is terrible for your health