Taking Responsibility: Creating Positive Change Through Personal Accountability

Taking responsibility creates the foundation for genuine intimacy. Only when we own our own stuff can we show up authentically for others.

This is the eighth in my series of articles about ten qualities of a good human - dimensions of character to cultivate over a lifetime.

“It’s my fault.”

Three words. Simultaneously, the hardest and most powerful phrase any of us can say. In a world where people often dodge responsibility or craft elaborate explanations for failures, true accountability stands out like a beacon.

I learned this lesson the hard way back in the 1990s when I was Technical Manager of a Sydney theatre. We had just received our annual supply of ticket stock, tens of thousands of blank tickets that would serve the theatre for the entire year. The boxes were temporarily placed in the middle of our workroom. I knew our cleaning staff had been instructed that items in the centre of the room were considered trash, but I needed to think it through. You can probably guess what happened next.

Our entire year’s worth of ticket stock was gone the following morning. At that moment, I had a choice: I could blame the cleaner for following protocol or own up to my oversight. As a leader, there was only one option. I had to front up to the Manager, admit my mistake, and then scramble to source replacement stock from other theatres.

What I learned wasn’t just about keeping ticket stock safe. It was about how accountability builds rather than diminishes trust. Yes, I had made a significant error in judgment. Still, by owning it immediately and focusing on solutions rather than excuses, I maintained the trust of my team and my superior. This lesson has stayed with me: I am not infallible, but I can be accountable.

Taking responsibility is not about taking the blame for everything. It’s easy to fall into this trap, especially if the other party is a gaslighter, because they’ll craft their words and responses to lead you down a rabbit hole of guilt. Nor should you be the martyr who carries everyone else’s emotional baggage.

We cannot control everything around us, however hard we try. We cannot control everything that happens to us. There’s no point blaming our upbringing, circumstances, or other people’s behaviour for our problems.

But we can control how we respond. If problems are ours to own, then they are also ours to solve.

David Brooks, in “The Road to Character,” draws a crucial distinction between what he calls “resume virtues“ and “eulogy virtues.” Resume virtues are the external achievements we chase: career success, wealth, and recognition. Eulogy virtues are the character traits people remember about us: our integrity, courage, and our willingness to take responsibility for our actions. Taking responsibility is fundamentally about building eulogy virtues. And we need to do so without ego; we shouldn’t take responsibility simply to boost our standing with those around us. We should do it for ourselves.

We can easily sink into a stew, perhaps after a bad day at work, feeling disconnected from friends or struggling with financial stresses. Instead of endlessly replaying interactions with work colleagues in our heads, we can ask ourselves what we might have done differently. We could pick up the phone or drop a text to a friend. We could review our spending patterns. These are the things we can influence.

Personal accountability has several key components, and mastering each one transforms not just how you navigate challenges, but how others perceive and interact with you.

Acknowledging Your Impact

This means recognising that your actions (and inactions) have consequences that ripple outward. The intemperately worded email you sent when you were stressed affects your colleague’s entire day. The commitment you made but didn’t follow through on impacts someone else’s plans. The smile you gave a stranger on the street might have been precisely what they needed.

All too often, we’re really great at monitoring how other people’s behaviour affects us. Yet also too frequently, we’re ignorant of how our words and actions affect those around us.

Learning from Mistakes

I’ve met people who simply refuse to admit their mistakes. I’m never entirely sure why - perhaps a misplaced reading of a personal philosophy? We know that narcissists will never admit they’re wrong. They’d rather distort reality and rewrite history than take responsibility. When a narcissist is confronted with their harmful words or actions, they don’t reflect, apologise, or take accountability. We should be better people than this.

We must learn to acknowledge our errors, learn from the lesson, make amends if necessary, and move on. By owning our mistakes, we’ll have stronger, more trusting relationships.

Following Through on Commitments

I have an almost pathological hatred of being late - I’ve been known to burst into tears in the car on the way to an appointment because the traffic has made me terribly late. I’m incredibly time-focused; even if I’m running only five minutes late, I’ll message to let you know. I take pride in punctuality because I view it as a key indicator of my commitment to others and myself. People who are consistently late or who don’t show up at the allotted time drive me mad. I take it as an insult - it implies that my time was less valuable and my company less critical than whatever else they decided to do.

If you say you will be somewhere or do something, be sure you can deliver on your promise. Don’t place yourself in the position of being known for unreliability. Be thoughtful and deliberate in your commitments and stick to them.

Why We Avoid Responsibility

Why do so many people struggle to take responsibility? We know that this is an evident trait of narcissists, but it afflicts many others as well. It’s possible that at an early age, we associated admitting fault with punishment or shame.

When we are kids, there can be a fair amount of mudslinging - ‘it was her fault!’, ‘he did it!’. We develop defensive tactics, including lying and deflecting, in an effort to redirect the negative energy onto our siblings or playground friends. We were protecting ourselves in the only ways we could. But it comes back to bite us in adulthood.

Too many of us succumb to the victim narrative; by portraying ourselves as aggrieved, we secure sympathy. This self-deception is terribly harmful to ourselves and the people we interact with. We feel righteous and avoid the more challenging task of considering a genuine self-assessment and the obligation to make changes.

Responsibility in Relationships

The victim narrative is especially corrosive in our personal relationships. If we focus solely on what we perceive as our partner’s failings, we are turning a blind eye to our own dysfunction. This cycle of conflict and blame will persist indefinitely because neither party is willing to take responsibility.

What can we do to take responsibility in our relationships:

• Apologising when we’ve hurt someone, even if it wasn’t intentional

• Examining our own patterns when conflicts repeat themselves

• Speaking up about our needs instead of expecting others to read our minds

• Taking action to address problems rather than just complaining about them

• Acknowledging when our expectations are unrealistic or unfair

We must look honestly at our own behaviour and take ownership of what belongs to us, and communicate clearly with our partners. I’ve written previously about Building Authentic Connections:

“One of the most beautiful aspects of authentic connection is its ability to bridge differences. We don’t need to be similar to connect deeply; we need to be curious about each other’s differences and willing to find the commonality.”

Practical Steps Toward Greater Accountability

How can we grow our sense of responsibility to create more authentic interactions?

The Daily Check-In

Each evening, ask yourself: “What did I do well today? What could I have done better? What impact did my actions have on others?” This isn’t about self-criticism. It’s about developing awareness and intentionality.

The Apology Upgrade

Instead of defensive non-apologies (”I’m sorry you felt that way”), practice clean ownership: “I’m sorry I did X. I can see how that affected you. I’ll do Y differently next time.”

The Solution Focus

When problems arise, allocate 20% of your energy to understanding what went wrong and 80% to figuring out how to move forward constructively. This prevents you from getting stuck in blame cycles and keeps you focused on taking positive action.

The Commitment Audit

Regularly review the promises and commitments you’ve made. Are you following through? If not, why not? What needs to change so you can honour your word more consistently?

The Long Game

Taking responsibility isn’t about perfection. It’s about progress. It’s about becoming someone who can be trusted, who adds value to relationships and situations rather than drama or complications. It’s about building a life based on intention rather than reaction. It’s about making many small choices and decisions every day, which create neural pathways devoted to responsibility. The great thing about responsibility is that it is totally within your control. You don’t need permission to exercise your responsibility muscle.

Taking responsibility creates the foundation for genuine intimacy. Only when we own our own stuff can we show up authentically for others, creating the kind of relationships that make the human experience worth celebrating.

Accountability may not eliminate failures. They are an inevitable part of any human journey. But what accountability does is transform these failures into learning milestones that build trust and resilience. When we embrace accountability, we don’t just own our mistakes. We create environments where connection can flourish, trust can deepen, and relationships can achieve their full potential.

“It’s my fault,” isn’t an admission of weakness but a declaration of strength.

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Read the seventh in the series: