The Silent Drift: How can a Lonely Man Form Friendships?
As men age, their friendships often slip away quietly. This doesn't usually happen by choice, but rather as a consequence of life's growing demands.
As men age, their friendships often slip away quietly. This doesn't usually happen by choice, but rather as a consequence of life's growing demands. This phenomenon affects countless men, leaving many feeling isolated and disconnected from others. Why do these vital connections fade over time? What societal pressures contribute to this unfortunate trend? More importantly, what can men do to revive and maintain meaningful friendships that provide lasting value?
The Silent Drift
How many of us have sat in a pub or cafe on a Saturday afternoon scrolling through our phones wishing we had something to do that evening. So often we fail the ‘pub test’ - can you call three friends right now who would meet you for a drink?
Research paints a rather stark picture of male friendships in modern society. A 2021 survey by the Survey Center on American Life revealed a concerning trend. The percentage of men who report having no close friends has quintupled since 1990, increasing dramatically from a mere 3% to a staggering 15%. This data suggests that this troubling trend isn't just affecting a small subset of men. Instead, it appears widespread and continues to grow, impacting men from diverse backgrounds and age groups.
Why Do Men's Friendships Fade?
Why are so many of us men lonely? I think various factors often converge in mid-life.
Work and career play a role. Free time becomes scarce as we enter the workforce, grow in our jobs, and start families. Long work hours, childcare responsibilities, and household duties can leave little room for socialising.
This time crunch often leads to friendships taking a backseat. We invest more energy in our roles as partners, fathers, and providers, leaving less time and emotional bandwidth for friendships. Our partners have become time-poor for the same reasons.
Many of us have activities in our lives which create friendships. We might play on a sport team, have a regular group who enjoy a round of golf, a bunmch of mates who get together to jam on musical instruments.
I live in Melbourne, which likes to trumpet itself as the sporting capital of Australia. It’s the birthplace of Australian Rules Football, a sport that redefines tribalism. There’s a stereotype that when a conversation in a group falls away, just starting talking about footy (Go Sainters). I know it’s similar to baseball or NRL in the USA and soccer in the UK. This is great, except it epitomises how many male friendships are built around sports and physical pursuits. However, those bonds will inevitably weaken as people drift away due to time pressures, move house, and grow older.
Quite clearly geographic separation is a significant impediment to social networks. As a child, my peripatetic schooling on two continents meant I never formed long-term friendships when I was young. Career moves, family relocations, or other life changes can physically separate friends. While technology can bridge some gaps, maintaining long-distance friendships requires extra effort that many men struggle to invest.
Societal expectations often discourage men from expressing vulnerability or seeking emotional support from friends. This can lead to superficial relationships that lack depth and are more likely to fade over time.
A Pew Research Center survey found that men (38%) are less likely than women (54%) to seek emotional support from friends, potentially limiting the depth of their friendships.
Divorce and separation play a key role in later life. Like so many parents, our social circle as a couple revolved around the parents of our children’s friends—the Dad you stand next to on the soccer sideline, the Mum you sit next to scoring basketball. But then your kids get older and start to drive themselves to games, and you and your partner separate. Those game-day social opportunities come to an abrupt end.
There’s nothing worse than being the separated single at a couple’s social event, when you’ve known some people for many years. Your kids started school together at the same time. You’ve driven their kids to dance class. They’ve driven yours to footy practice. You’ve delivered their child home, drunk as a skunk, after your daughter’s birthday party (yeah, true story, only stopped once so he could vomit out the door. His father brought him round the following day to apologise).
But now that’s all ended. No longer a couple. No longer child taxi service. The cut off from the other couples is abrupt and instant. And so your social life evaporates overnight.
We men then fall back on the societal expectations around male independence and self-sufficiency. Men are supposed to be strong and resilient, not ask for help, and do it all ourselves. And so friendships fade, and whether gradual or sudden, we find ourselves at a loose end on the weekend with nobody we can call.
Following my separation, I was reluctant to “bother” the men I’d spent years connecting with through kids' sports and activities. I now feel sad, and perhaps a little angry with myself, that I didn’t reach out because inevitably, others were feeling the same way. I lacked the courage, emotional maturity, and communication tools to pick up the phone, and I deeply regret this.
I find this issue of not asking for help interesting. Is it a fear of rejection? Our male pride? Does loneliness suppress our capacity to ask for help even when it could alleviate our loneliness? I think I’ll explore this topic in another article.
The Impact of Fading Friendships
I’ve written previously about the impact of loneliness. We know loneliness is terrible for your health. The risks associated with social isolation and loneliness are comparable to well-known risk factors like smoking, obesity, and physical inactivity.
We know strong relationships protect against decline, that loneliness is linked to depression, heart disease, and early mortality. Many, like me, have suffered what I read once can be termed 'friendly loneliness' phenomenon - we’re surrounded by people, especially at work, but disconnected emotionally, just moving through life like an automaton.
How Can A Lonely Man Rekindle Friendships?
What do you do as a lonely man? How can you rekindle relationships and connect to new friends? There are practical, actionable steps you can take. But it also requires vulnerability and intentionality—getting off the couch and making a move to expand your connections beyond just ‘doing stuff together’ to deeper sharing.
Here are some strategies I believe have, in some way or another, been valuable to me over the last few years, as I moved from a man who completely failed the pub test, to being in the position I now have people I can call at short notice to suggest dinner, a movie, a drink.
Prioritise Friendship - you must value friendships and make them a priority, just as you schedule work meetings or family time, set aside dedicated time for friends. I deliberately sit down once every week or so to send messages to all sorts of friends, male and female. Often those chats lead to a “What are you doing next week?”, or “Hey, been a while, let’s get together”. When you're with your friends, be present. Put away your phone, listen actively, and show genuine interest in their lives. This level of engagement can significantly strengthen your connections.
Leverage Technology: A few years ago, I didn’t use WhatsApp. Still, it’s become my friendship hub (apart from two annoying friends who are even more paranoid about privacy than I am and insist on using Signal). While nothing replaces face-to-face interaction, technology can help maintain connections. FaceTime, WhatsApp, Facebook, and Instagram all have a part to play in staying in touch. Maybe you comment on someone’s post or send a DM complimenting them on a great image.
Find Shared Interests: This is the most common suggestion. My problem was that I’m not particularly sporty - I exercise constantly, mainly swimming and pilates, but these are pretty solitary activities. But everyone is different, find something that works for you. Book clubs are pretty popular. Join a local amateur theatre company. Sign up to kick a soccer ball around with other middle-aged blokes. I have a friend who is madly into 4-wheel driving, leaves me cold, but they disappear off on the weekend to cheerfully deliberately bog themselves in some mud lake or other.
Be Vulnerable: Gee, this is the hard one, so many of us are rubbish at allowing people through our armour. You must challenge the societal norm that discourages men from showing vulnerability. Heavens above TALK TO PEOPLE! (yeah caps are deserved). Open up to your friends about your struggles and emotions. This depth can strengthen your bonds and make your friendships more resilient. I can guarantee that the look of relief on the person you are talking to will make your day - because you just made his day by being brave and speaking truth, and now he’ll feel he can reciprocate.
Reach out: We are such wimps for a bunch of supposedly tough blokes. Learn to take action! Don't wait for others to initiate. I did, and guess what? Almost nobody did after I separated. One guy did. He and I have had lunch a few times in the last six years since my separation. It’s not much, but I am deeply grateful he took the first step. Pick up the phone, send a WhatsApp, and reach out and invite someone for a coffee.
Expand Your Circle: I know I’ve always been a loner. I have a to-do list to write an article about why I called my Substack ‘Alone Rangers’. However, some of the most rewarding activities in my life have involved volunteering—I’ve helped out at everything from a hospital to a kink festival. So join community groups, attend events, and seek out like-minded individuals.
I’m not suggesting that you obsessively work through each of the above, but hopefully, one or two will spark action!
In Your Local Area
I live in Melbourne, Australia, so there are opportunities to socialise with other men that will be unique to my locality. Here are some notable organisations available to men in Melbourne to create friendships and provide safe places to be open and vulnerable with other men. I am sure you’d find similar opportunities wherever you live.
Australian Men's Shed Association: Established in 2007, AMSA supports over 1,300 Men's Sheds across Australia. These community-based, non-profit organisations offer men a place to work on meaningful projects, socialise, and enhance their health and well-being. Men's Sheds aim to improve men's health by providing a safe, friendly, and inclusive environment. Members can engage in activities at their own pace, fostering a sense of belonging and purpose.
The Men's Table: The Men's Table offers monthly gatherings where men share a meal and discuss personal issues in a confidential, non-judgmental setting. Each group, or "table," consists of 8-12 men committed to supporting one another. Since its inception in 2011, the organisation has expanded to over 200 tables nationwide, reflecting a growing demand for such supportive spaces.
The ManKind Project Australia: MKPA facilitates men's groups and training programs to foster emotional maturity, accountability, and compassion. Their "iGroups" provide safe spaces for men to connect authentically and support each other's personal growth.
Centre for Men and Families Australia: CFMA offers "Men’s Circle Groups," known as "Circles," where men can share experiences and build authentic friendships in a supportive environment. These groups help men connect and journey deeper into personal transformation.
Tomorrow Man: Tomorrow Man conducts workshops across Australia to redefine masculinity and improve men's mental health. They engage men in conversations that challenge traditional stereotypes, promoting a healthier expression of masculinity.
Grab Life By The Balls: This men's mental health charity focuses on improving well-being through "mateship." They organise social events, talks, and programs to foster connections among men, aiming to combat male suicide and mental health issues.
How Can You Start?
Sadly, society too often places unrealistic expectations on men, discouraging emotional expression and vulnerability. It's crucial to challenge these norms to build and maintain strong friendships. You must recognise that seeking emotional support is a strength, not a weakness, so look to practice expressing your feelings and needs, and encourage your male friends to reciprocate and open up by ensuring they understand you are in a safe, judgment-free space - doing so means challenging stereotypes about masculinity in your social circles. But always remember, true strength lies in connection, not isolation.
The decline of male friendships is not inevitable. We can build and maintain strong, lasting connections with awareness and effort. So ask yourself:
When was the last time you reached out to a friend?
What steps can you take today to strengthen your friendships?
How can you create more opportunities for meaningful connection in your life?
Please don't allow your friendships fade into the background like I did. Take action today to nurture these vital connections. Your mental health, physical well-being, and overall quality of life may depend on it. Remember, it's never too late to rekindle or forge new friendships. The effort you invest in these relationships will pay dividends for years to come.
Start today. Reach out to a friend. Plan a get-together. Be open to new connections.
Your future self will thank you.
Download the Infographic
Download this infographic as a reminder of actions you can take.
