R U OK? Day 11 September 2025
How RU OK? Day reveals the profound truth about authentic human connection.
Picture this: you're grabbing coffee with a mate, and they ask how you're going. Without thinking, you fire back the automatic response: "Yeah, good, good." They nod, and you both sip your coffee; the conversation moves on to weekend plans or the weather. Sound familiar?
In 2009, Gavin Larkin started R U OK? Day after losing his father to suicide. His simple yet revolutionary idea was this: "A conversation could change a life." What began as one man's tribute to his father has become Australia's most important reminder that mental health is everyone's business.
But here's what strikes most people about RU OK Day: it's not really about the question itself. It's about everything that comes after.
It's about creating the kind of authentic, ongoing connections that transform both the giver and receiver. When we truly listen, we don't just help others; we rewire our own brains for empathy, connection, and well-being.
The First Time Anyone Really Asked
The R U OK? initiative follows a four-step process: Ask "R U OK?", Listen, Encourage action, and Check in. Reading this, I was transported back to my first therapy session a few years ago. My therapist introduced me to an emotion wheel, a circular diagram that maps the full spectrum of human emotions. Each week, I'd print out the wheel and jot down little notes next to how I was feeling, aligned with the appropriate spot on the wheel. At our weekly sessions, she and I would then discuss what triggered me to write each note, and we'd explore the connected emotion.
This process has been invaluable in guiding the way I process emotion today. Those sessions were revolutionary for a simple reason: they were the first time in more than 50 years on this planet that anyone had actually sat me down, asked 'how are you feeling', listened attentively, and genuinely delved into each of my responses.
That's the power RU OK Day is trying to unleash: not just the asking, but the radical act of actually listening. I cannot recommend this process highly enough for anyone who's never experienced genuine emotional curiosity from another person.
The Masculine Mask We're Taught to Wear
R U OK? Day emphasises that you don't need to be a mental health professional to help someone. You simply need to care enough to ask and listen. This message is particularly crucial for men, who face unique barriers to seeking and receiving emotional support.
Australian culture has taught us to be emotionally detached. From childhood, we're fed images of masculine self-sufficiency, from Daniel Craig emerging from the ocean in his designer swimmers to the modern-day toxic masculinity peddled by figures like Andrew Tate. We're taught that vulnerability equals weakness, that seeking help is feminine, that real men handle everything alone.
I remember being on a family holiday many years ago when the kids were young, staying on a lovely island resort in the Whitsundays. It was when that photo of Daniel Craig emerging from the water in his sexy blue bathers in the Casino Royale film was everywhere. The image was on the cover of a magazine at the resort. I just sighed. Daniel is only a year or so younger than I am. Here was the standard, and I didn't measure up. He was a skilled secret agent who relied on no one and took on the bad guys single-handedly, epitomising a gorgeous, intelligent, and independent man.
But here's what I've learned: true strength lies in connection, not isolation.
Research shows that those who are regularly asked, 'Are you OK?' report increased feelings of well-being, and a third of Australians say they've been asking others more often during the past year. Yet men remain reluctant to open up. We've created a culture where asking "how are you?" usually generates that automatic response: "Good, good."
The mask is suffocating us, and I know I wore one for decades without even realising it.
The Ripple Effect of Genuine Connection
When we move beyond superficial check-ins to authentic conversations, something remarkable happens. Genuinely listening with an open mind makes a difference in helping people feel connected and supported. But the benefits aren't one-sided.
Helping others is a two-way street, not a competition. When you lend a hand, you're not only offering support; you're creating a connection, a moment of shared purpose that benefits both the giver and the receiver. Neuroscience reveals that being kind to others, exhibiting empathy, and offering support can literally rewire the parts of our brain associated with empathy, problem-solving, and social connection.
This creates what researchers call "ripple effect mapping". When people experience genuine support, they don't just benefit from it; they're actively inspired to pay it forward. Being lifted up gives them both the capacity and the desire to lift others. I didn't understand this for most of my life, but now I see how every act of genuine support creates expanding circles of connection.
Consider this scenario: your mate's been a bit quiet lately. Instead of just thinking "he'll be right," you actually ask how he's tracking. He opens up about work stress, relationship issues, or just feeling a bit lost. You listen without trying to fix everything, suggest he chat to someone else or offer to catch up again soon. A week later, he checks in on another mate who's been struggling. That conversation sparks another, and another. One authentic exchange creates waves of connection that spread far beyond what you can see.
In 2024, the RU OK? message was evolved to be even more impactful: 'Ask R U OK? Any Day.' Mental health doesn't follow a calendar, and waiting for one day a year to address it isn't enough.
From Quick Fixes to Meaningful Wellbeing
What I find most powerful about the RU OK movement is how it aligns with what researchers call "eudaimonic wellbeing": the deep satisfaction that comes from purpose, meaning, and authentic connection, rather than "hedonic wellbeing," which focuses on maximising pleasure and minimising discomfort.
Think about the difference between binge-watching Netflix all weekend versus spending time with mates who genuinely care about how you're going. Both might feel good in the moment, but only one leaves you feeling truly nourished and connected.
R U OK? Day contributes significantly to breaking down the stigma surrounding mental health. It sends a powerful message that it's okay not to be OK and that seeking help is a sign of strength rather than weakness.
When someone asks "R U OK?" and truly listens to the response, they're not just performing a social nicety. They're creating space for vulnerability in a world that often punishes it, modelling emotional intelligence for others who may never have seen it, building social capital (the networks of trust that make communities function), and challenging harmful stereotypes about masculinity and mental health.
The Art of Actually Listening
Genuine conversations require the right time and place, being truly present, and embracing any silences that naturally occur. Real listening means removing distractions and giving someone your full attention. It involves asking open-ended questions that go beyond yes/no responses, sitting with discomfort when someone shares something difficult, resisting the urge to fix their problems immediately, and following up consistently rather than just checking a box.
Picture the difference between these two approaches. First scenario: "How are you going?" "Yeah, not great actually." "Oh, that's rough. Anyway, did you see the game last night?" Second scenario: "How are you going?" "Yeah, not great actually." "Want to talk about it? I've got time." Then you listen to the answer, ask follow-up questions, and arrange to catch up again soon.
Those who are exposed to the R U OK? Day campaign are up to six times more likely to reach out to someone who might need to be asked 'are you OK', compared to those not exposed to the campaign. The ripple effect is tangible and measurable.
Beyond the Day: Building a Culture of Connection
By adopting the mindset of 'Ask R U OK? Any Day', we can create a culture where regular check-ins become a natural part of our environment. This isn't about becoming amateur therapists. It's about recognising that connection is why we are here; it's the purpose and meaning underpinning our lives.
For men especially, this means challenging the myth of self-sufficiency that keeps us isolated, creating safe spaces where vulnerability is welcomed rather than judged, recognising that emotional support is a strength rather than a weakness, and building authentic friendships that go beyond shared activities like watching footy or having a beer. I know from my own experience how transformative it can be when you finally find people with whom you can be genuine.
A friend and I were out watching a band play in a pub a while back. We wound up sharing a table with three young women. They were all in their early twenties. We are both 50-something. We struck up a conversation and soon found commonalities around academia and relationship types. The three of them were all exceptionally intelligent and diverse, studying advanced mathematics, history, and teaching. It was heartening to listen and laugh with this younger generation. Perhaps a transient connection, but fuelled by curiosity on all sides, and openness to chat through all manner of sometimes quite personal topics. Building bridges across differences requires curiosity, humility, and a willingness to learn and grow.
Organisations like Men's Sheds, The Men's Table, Tomorrow Man, and Grab Life By The Balls are creating these spaces, proving that when men are permitted to be real with each other, the results are transformative. In my local area, Bayside Melbourne, Yeah Nah Mental Health for Men organises monthly gatherings over coffee and a walk for men.
The good news is that these support networks exist everywhere. A quick search in your local area will likely reveal men's groups, community organisations, and mental health initiatives designed to break down isolation and build authentic connections. The key is taking that first step to seek them out.
The Conversation That Changes Everything
R U OK? inspires and empowers everyone to connect meaningfully with the people around them and initiate conversations with those in their world who may be struggling with life.
The genius of RU OK Day isn't in its simplicity. It's in its recognition that we all have the power to change someone's life through authentic connection. You don't need special training. You don't need to have all the answers. You just need to care enough to ask, and then really listen to the response.
In a world that often feels increasingly disconnected despite our digital hyperconnectivity, RU OK Day reminds us of a fundamental truth: we have numerous ways to communicate, but few ways to connect.
The path forward isn't complex. Drop the mask. Ask the question. Listen to the answer. Check in again. Create ripples of authentic connection that spread far beyond what you can see.
Because sometimes, the most revolutionary act is simply being real with each other.
Your Mission, Should You Choose to Accept It
R U OK? reminds us that you don't need to be an expert to reach out, just a good friend and a great listener. So here's your challenge:
This week, identify someone with whom you haven't checked in properly. Maybe it's a mate who's been quieter than usual, a colleague who seems stressed, or a family member you've been meaning to call. Then follow the four steps.
First, ask the question. Find the right time and place. Be genuine. "How are you really going?" not "How's it going?" Second, listen properly. Put down your phone. Make eye contact. Don't rush to fix anything; just hear them. Third, encourage action if they're struggling. Help them identify next steps. It could be talking to someone else, seeking professional help, or knowing you're there. Finally, check in a few days later. Show them this wasn't just a one-off conversation.
For the men reading this: Challenge one harmful stereotype about masculinity in your social circle this week. Show emotion when you feel it. Ask for help with something you're struggling with. Tell a male friend you care about them. Model the vulnerability you want to see in the world.
For everyone: Make "R U OK?" part of your everyday vocabulary, not just an annual reminder. The research is clear: those exposed to this message are six times more likely to reach out to someone who needs it.
The conversation that changes a life is waiting to happen. It might be the next text you send, the next coffee you have, the next time you really look someone in the eye and ask how they are.
Who will you ask today?
If you or someone you know needs support (in Australia):
Lifeline: 13 11 14
Beyond Blue: 1300 22 4636
MensLine Australia: 1300 78 99 78
R U OK? is an Australian suicide prevention charity. Its mission is to inspire and empower everyone to meaningfully connect with the people around them and to support those struggling with life.
Find out more: ruok.org.au.